My dreams

If you'd like to visit again
In my dreams tonight
I'd be okay with that.

I'd love it.
I know what I want to say to you now.
I want to say

"I can't wait to see you again"

UGH I really can't.

Please come <3

BOOM

Phone Call

I was talking to someone
Someone I talk to everyday
And you beeped in

I always put every
Fucking
Thing on hold for you.

If I wouldn't have answered
You might not have called me
For a few months
Or called me as I'm driving home from a friends house
In the middle of night

You might have been on X

You might have asked if I was high
But you were too fucked up to know
What the word "high" meant

And just for the record

I wasn't fucking high
I was probably pissed
You chose to call

You were living in Memphis
Living in a hotel room
Living with people I hate
Living with people you know I hate

I don't want to hear him in the background
What could possibly make you think
I'd be okay with hearing his
God
Dammed
Voice
In the background?

Sometimes you don't think
Sometimes I wonder if I know you at all

Sometimes
I feel like
Never
Talking to you
Ever
Again

I'm not strong enough to handle that

A girl from a while ago

Well, I went to your page today and almost started crying. You changed your display picture so I thought "might as see what she's been up to". Wow. I miss you. I want to go back a few years and we can talk and text and you can show me new music and I can tell you you're pretty.

It just made me extremely sad. Also reading an article my mom sent me because she thought I might "enjoy reading it" made me feel like shit.

Fuck everything

I miss freshman year of high school. Everything made sense. Everything was normal. I had a good group of friends. I made new friends. I came out. I ate everyday. It was just so fucking easy.

And then we come to today. I'm listening to "Monster" by Meg and Dia which is an automatic downer lol.

It's 1:15 am and I haven't started a paper that's due tomorrow.

I don't know how to say "hey" to you again. It's been too long. Are you engaged? That rips my heart in half. It makes everything 100% final.

_____________________________________________________

Not sure why I wrote that as though my computer isn't a foot away from me and my blog was my best friend...

Just watched the first episode of season 2 of Glee Not sure how I felt about it. Sam's too manly for my liking. Seems like it could be awkward with kurt and him

Corrections

Remember to look only at tonights
Not the one about waking up late

Ugh I had all these other corrections

MIgh hat to say I love you

Adios amigos

Hasta la guerra

Modos y OVO

That was embarrassing

that was kind of embarrassing that i sent that to her :S now i feel kind of bad

im just at a different level

That ever before

Like lever 3 of Kurby with the shark
And its the hardest thing in the entire world?
That one?

Yeah that's a way different level
Harder than all the ones before it

Okay well whatever

I'll get over it

LOVE EVERYONE EVERE (BESIDES THE BIG "H". THE BIG 'OL GERMAN MAN. DO WE ALL KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT? I CERTAINLY HOPE SO. YES YES YES I DO

Good night Moon
Good night chairs

Good night ducks and that kangaroo

Good night honey
In your underwear

<3 MUAH

This is just wrote my friend Brook on FB though I should Share

posted a new blog. Ate a rice crispy bar

BAR

Anyway idk. it just seems like that could happen. Have you ever heard of Taraji P. Henson? Because two of my lesbian friends both like her, and it seems like all lesbians listen to the same music. Or the same people. Fuck I thought you were my blog for a second. This might not make sense and be embarrassing

Okay I really dont have that much more to say. I have a dance audition at 10:30. Hope that's not awkward

I need that credit though. I fucking NEED that credit. And I need to drop my Social Work class by tomorrow at 5. But he needs to "Review" to see if I get the class waived. Either way if he approves it or denies it, it doesn't matter I can't be in the class because I've missed too many days. SO... Idk WTF to do. Now I'm freaking myself out dude. FREAKING MYSELF OUT Dude

I might be a failure. UGh I thought you were my blog agian. Let it slide

I should go now before I start ranting again. Ill have to talk to you later

Love you. FOREVERE MUFF :) <3 <3<3

Let me put it to you this way,

So here's the deal
This is what it all boils down to
I can't stay at Humboldt
If I want to graduate any where NEAR 4 years...

SO I probably won't be here next semester
I'll probably move back to Osh
And then once I'm there for a little
I'll say "I'm bored of this. I hate the snow"
My parents will say
"You're the one that wanted to come back
You chose to do this
You could have stayed in California"

I KNOW IT

I know that's exactly what they'll say.
I don't know
I just have a bad thinking in my head
I mean, c'mon

It's just I'm worried I'll say I hate it again
That'd really put in a pickle

Fuck pickles.

Anyway, I also might just transfer to a different school
Within the National Student Exchange

I was thinking

Northern Arizona University in Flagstaff

That's a really liberal town
And I've been there 3 times
2 of them I can remember.

I don't remember THAT much
But, when we stepped out of the car
The temperature was 112 degrees
And I remember thinking "Gosh darnet
That's the highest it's ever been"

At least to me.

Well IDK wtf to do

Maybe I'll go to Arizona
Or maybe I'll go back to Osh
Or MAYBE I'll just stay here

Maybe that..

That might be the easiest
It might make the most sense

I always do this
I move somewhere
After a couple weeks
I'll say I want t o leave

I'll say I want to go to a different state

And then I'll just stick with it
That's just what I'll do

I might go home at semester though
I need everyone there

I know I'm going to hate it
But I just need a school
That I know cares about me

You know what I'm saying

Now I can start going back to the LGBT meetings
On campus

After Nick was a dickwad
I stopped going
Because I knew he'd be there
Maybe at semester when I start going
There will be some cute freshman
Who will see me
And want me

Like this music video:



She's the last of the English
Ro-o-o-ses

ANYWAY

Yeah, So I could go to the meetings
And go to Toppers
And come home when I wanted to
And go to the library almost anytime of day
And just be free

Sooo
Yeah
I will be transferring back
I've decided
Why am I homesick?
I've never been homesick.
EVER.
God, that'd be nice
If Wisconsin was warm
and Wisconsin
Was super liberal
And strict gun laws
And gay marriage
And liberal people

And good
Food...

But honestly
There are some liberal places
And there are some liberal people
In Madison or something

They have domestic partnerships
Which is 22% of the legal rights
Which is quite a bit honestly

I just want kids really
Isn't that what everyone wants
When they get married
They check them out and think
"Maybe we'll have a family someday"

Doesn't everyone do that?

Idk maybe not...
I just want a fucking boyfriend

And Oshkosh
To be liberal
Super fucking liberal

I know that if the wrong guy becomes governor
They'll strip away our rights

I shouldn't have eaten that food
This close to bed time
Idk how my sleep's going to go

Anyway
I hate politics
Everywhere

I wish the best guy would win
I honestly with the best girl wins
But that's out of the question

I wish he or she thought just like me

I think my best candidate would be
The governor of Mass

Or Russ Fiengold
Or Obama 10 years ago

He was on the IL floor in 1996 and voted
That gays and lesbians
Should get marriage

And he said yes
And then he became moderate

I hate the term
"Partner"
or
"Commitment Ceremony"

I like the term "Husband"
I like the term "Wedding"

I would think my mom would know
What I wanted to be called

She also calls my (girl)friend's girlfriend "a friend"like "Is her friend in town" and stuff like that
It's kind of weird.

Anyway I dont think I've got anything else to say
PEACE

I woke up at 3pm today

I woke up at 3pm today

Your mom texted me

She gave me your phone number

She said you wanted me to have it

I said thanks
I said I'd call you soon soon
I said I was glad you were where you are

Why the fuck did that happen?

I kind of want you to call me....

I need to make sure im not coming home for you

the first snow fall

So... I'm starting to miss A LOT of things about Wisconsin

Lemme just tell you them all, right now:

i miss the leaves changing colors in WI.
and hanging out with everyone.
and scotty's at oshkosh.
and getting pizza hut at scotty's in oshkosh
and going to blackhawk at oshkosh
and all my real friends from oshkosh
and eating with connie everyday
and having someone to eat with everyday
and the lesbians at oshkosh.
and the classes at oshkosh.
And rob/val
And crystal
and no one being from anywhere besides wisconsin.
and being home for every little thing.
and being able to tell every second of my life to becky and jordy in person
and Brooke.
and lauren.
and chloe.
And sam hofer
and liz
and all my other friends that occasionally show up to central Wisco
and not having gazebos
not having to do laundry.
EVERYTHING.
fucking drunks on the weekends even though i hated them.
TOPPERS.
omfg Toppers.
and Culvers.
and WALMART.
my bad cat maybz

NUMBER 1 OVERALL.
MY NIECE AND NEPHEWS.

I miss Eden even though she doesn't like me
And Quinn who really does like me.
LIZ ugh.
Her life.
That one guy
Who calls me at random times

And lauren's house in biron
Buster to a certain extent.
Never having to think about where to get alcohol from
Even though I don't really drink at all
and Food
Any kind of food
and my car
and watching movies with sam and xander
and hanging out with everyone that was friends with kim

and doing nothing with lauren
and doing whatever the hell me and liz can find things to do
and just DRIVING AROUND with chloe
anything at all
everyone


. and every. fucking. thing. about. god. damned. homophobic. cold. annoying. bitchy. wisconsin

i hate so much of it
so much of it sucks
but theres so many fucking things
that i miss

like the first snow fall that will happen in a couple weeks
i'll be in california
the first flakes of the season
will fall without me

fuck

Oh My God

I just scored an 88% on my Ocean quiz. A FUCKING 88

I couldn't be happier

Even though I studied for about 6 hrs.

.....

Ahora

So right now,

I'm attempting to finish this quiz online for Oceanography. It's nearly impossible. Not really sure if it could possibly harder. This is the problem I really have no fucking clue what the answer is:

Consider a radioactive isotope (called "A") with a half life of 50 million years that decays to a stable isotope (called "B"). You measure both isotopes in a rock and find 15 times as much "B" as you do "A". Based on this, how old is the rock in millions of years? Please list only the number corrsponding to your answer without any units.

WHAT THE FUCK?! I do not know what to do. At all. Not even a fucking little bit. Jesus H. W. Christ. UGH I don't have a clue what to even write down to attempt to solve it. We did not learn how to do this at all. And he spelled corresponding wrong.

So as I contemplate killing my computer, I'm listening to the song "Peacock" by Katy Perry and old songs from Glee.

I hate life right now. So bored. So not happy. FUCK

I had a dream about my firend Kim

So, last night I had a dream about Kim, for the first time in quite awhile. I'm not sure if she's ever actually been in one of my dreams before.

After Kim passed I had a reccurring nightmare where I was in the car with her. I'm pretty sure it was her. Or I was her. Something about it was strange.The dream was terrifing. We just kept on driving on and on and never stopped at any stop light. I kept on telling myself we needed to stop but for some reason we couldn't.

It happened over and over and over again for what seemed like the entire night. And I could never make myself wake up. It happened quite a few nights in a row...

But the months passed, and we come to last night.

So, I don't really remember the beginning of it, it was a dream so it's bound to not make a ton of sense. It started with Krista and I; we were outside of a building sitting on some benches and there was a window where we could see Sam and Joellen sitting inside on the floor and talking about Kim.

It seemed like it was after Youth Group and we all were meeting up somewhere to hang out, but it was somewhere I'd never been before. We felt so sorry that Sam and Joellen wanted her to be there that I decided to knock on the window just a couple times.

It was in the hope that they would think it was Kim just stopping by, making a little noise to let you know she was still with us.

I heard Sam "I bet that was Jared or Krista" and Sam came outside to find us and said "You guys, come inside, Kim's here!" And I didn't know what to say. It was such a realistic dream that I had no idea what was going on.

We hurried inside and there was Kim. Sitting with everyone and talking. I couldn't believe it. I was speechless. My mouth was dry and I kept on rubbing my eyes. Saying "Pinch me this has to be a dream" -- which it was, but I didn't wake up yet. Everyone was just telling her what was new in their life and all I wanted to know was why she couldn't come back to life. Come back and live in Port Edwards again. The conversation we had went something like this...

Me: Kim, what's going on?

Kim: *laughs* You're excited to see me, Jared?

(I had forgotten how amazing her smile was)

Me: Kim, oh my god, yes. Where have you been?

Kim: I had to go for awhile

Me: Where? Where did you go? Why did you have to go?

Kim: I don't know. I can't come back though. Just came to stop by. I wanted to see how you were all doing.

Me: Kim, I miss you so much. When can we see you again?!

Kim: Don't worry about it. Don't think about it too much.

Sam: What do you mean? You aren't coming back to visit again?

Kim: No, you guys. I might come back. I might not. Don't get your hopes up and wait for me every night. If I show up, I show up but I don't want your lives to revolve around the next time I'll show up.

Joellen: But we all want you to come back

Krista: Just for a couple hours even.

Kim: Let's just enjoy tonight you guys. I'm glad we're all together again.

I didn't really know what to say. I just wanted to hear her voice.

I don't remember much of the conversation after that, or what we were doing. It was just all of us hanging out like old times and I could hardly contain myself. I just kept on trying to memorize her face and her smile and everything that was happening. She seemed so happy. It was amazing.

I felt like I should share this, because it was absolutely insane. I really do feel like I saw Kim last night and she was actually saying those things to me. I can't really explain the feelings it brought about, all I can say is I am so glad I had that dream.

Crowfoot

What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night.
It is the breath of a buffalo in the winter time.
It is the little shadow which runs across the grass
And loses itself in the Sunset.
--Crowfoot, 1890