untitled

I took a bubble bath To pretend I had different life To pretend I was a different person With different goals And different surroundings And more manageable problems I think about that girl I had just read about online Who was a quadriplegic And couldn't take her own baths Like I can At least I'm not her I let my body sink into the hot water I watched the bubbles around me Move around As I swayed my legs I watch the bubbles around me Tell me I'm all right I pay close attention to my breathing I stayed in to forget I had dinner to eat I stayed in To ignore I had a phone That was dead That no one was contacting me on There were cigarettes to be smoked Assignments to be written Text messages to ignore The water slowly cooled down And One by one The bubbles disappeared I washed my hair And realized The water was Luke warm The bubbles were gone My skin was pruning I look at my hands They look old Pretty soon Someone would knock on the door Ask if I'm okay I'll say yes if they ask I decide its time To leave the 5x3 foot sanctuary Of cold water With no bubbles I drain the water But I don't move I feel the water Quickly leave the tub I look down Its almost gone I stand up Feel cold The tears in my eyes Cant be washed away As easily Anymore The waters gone The safe feeling leaves me Its dinner time I'm Immediately Brought back To a life I forgot For an hour I was living I miss the bubbles And hot water And wish I could take another one Before tomorrow And think about the two hour drive I took earlier today To avoid my life For the same reasons I took that bath And I wonder For a second If eventually I won't have to do any of this I won't need bubbles I'll enjoy dinner I'll be happy I'll look in the mirror And ask myself How did I get So Lucky

IDK Why....

but I've been feeling like something incredible or something significant in a dramatic way is about to happen like, maybe tomorrow but definitely before new years #maybenewyears #notready Tomorrow only gets better Waiting's the real/new art form

TO: ENGLISH STUDENTS READING THIS POST

Go back and look at my other blog... unless you wanna learn TMI about Jared Monroe.

xx

<3

...aaaaand Im back?

So... I had a different blog, that I updated in San Diego but now don't really see the point of it. And I started a tumblr that I don't feel like keeping

So I'm back to Blogger? This is trippy shit.

I have a lot to say...

I start school in 26 days.
Oh
My
God

That's kind of insane.... but I'm ready. I'm so ready. Finally. To update no one besides future me: moved back to WI in Aug, and for the past 5 mos have been less productive than I ever have in my life besides the first 5 mos of my life (lol)

Currently its 230am and I'm watching "Make the Yuletide Gay" for the second time this Christmastime. Is it still Christmastime or did it end on 26th?

Rigedless, its a little much. It's so good yet slightly depressing that the main character (@keithjordan101) isn't actually gay in real life... #slightly/extremely

The ways my life is going to change in the next month and realistic goals I'm setting for myself:

- don't drop out...
- attempt to get A's for the first time
- go to the gay meetings at least 2 times
- go to a church in SP at least twice (though not realistic)
- don't skip any classes
- lol
- make 1 new mediocre to good friend
- do some of the things on this list

Xxooxxoo J

NEW BLOG

So

To the three people that read this

To make the posts like the one below VV less frequent, I decided to make a blog entirely for my high ramblings, which since I'm announcing it on here I'm not sure what privacy I was expecting? I think it's mainly so I can whine a bunch on here and geek out on there.... CHECK IT

www.cassidyistoohigh.wordpress.com

I've never been this lit before.
Alone
In San Diego
But mostly
California

I hope
Oh my God
I'm literally on my phone
and it's seriously a computer
Same functions
its crazy

Anyway
Sitting here
Didn't wanna appear
As though I didn't try
For the last time

Thus is insane seriously
j can't barely hanndle it mawn
I guess ill maybe get apple juice
and then like... cookies
Or cereal
Or chocolate coffee
Or apples
Or water
Or muffins
Or potatoes

Just kitting obvi

Anyway....
I saw the movie
Smiley face

It's prob my fav lit movie

Would watch it again
But I shouldn't

I guess it'd look a little awk
If I provided
A
Cock block

Juuuussssytgggggg kittttttttt5tttttting

Honestly the movie my roommates. Are watching
Is so loud
And we have a neighbor

Oh my God
I'm si lit

Favorite things
Animals, cats
Kiwi birds


This movie is crazy intense
U should get a snack
And watch a movie
And put down this phone
and let the medicine caabinet go





Okay I gotta get outta here daddy

Foooooooooooooooo rrrrreeeeeaaaaaaaloooooooooooooooolllllllllllllllllllllll

That's gonna look stupid
Hope a stranger ain't gonna read dis
But If you is then
Say something dooklaw

Yeah I gotta go...


<3 <3

New Post

First things first,
I somehow made the email address
That's connected to this blog
an email address that is totally fake up
and I made up for some shit online that needed an address
so now i have to wonder
when the fuck
did i make it my primary email
ugh its so lame

things i've been thinking about:
#1, wtf i'm going to be doing next year

next year, meaning 6 mos from now

I was going to just write all my options down

but if I do that, I just start thinking

About crazy shit

That should never be real options

Like moving

To random ass places

And doing random ass shit there

My plan to move to Madison

isn't 100% killed

There's still a chance I'll do it

Who knows

Right

So I was going on my normal walk

And I'm really hoping no one who doesn't know me, reads this... like, who actually reads this?

Anyway

I was going on my walk....

I walked down the street. the one street i go on

And I was walking and thought I was doing okay

turned the corner

and theres this kid

smoking and looks freaked out

and walks pretty fast

and then throws his joint

totally smelled like weed

i keep going down, pass the bridge and see a cop

and then walk some more and see a second cop

and then walk some more and see a third cop

then i take a hit or whatever

walk some more

see these kids come out of a car

i just pass by

then walk some more

see no cop

then go at it

see three teenaagers

see another

then see another cop in a little bit

and this time

he wasn't in a car

he was with a flashlight

and on the sidewalk

and i thought he was obvi gonna talk to me

he says hi

go for a bit more see another kid

and im going back

see another cop, prob an earlier one

i hear the kid behind me

say HEY KID

and i just kept walking

and then i went into the apartment area

and saw a couple kids

and then came inside

and started writing this

and i bet i'll delete this tomorrow

but right now

it seemed liek the right thing to do

probably not true...

he said hi

kept walking

Skyping with my friend Hannah

"Hi, I said"
"Hey, boo" she whispered
I giggled and she clapped her hands

First I got my shit out
And then I lost my mind

"How are you doing?" she asked
"Well" I said and looked at her kindly
"I'm doing just fine my dear
Just fine"

She giggled to HERSELF and said
"O-M-F-G The awark for best lie
In an animated motion pictures goes TO:

Jared Monroe

"I wanna thank all my fans out there
That got me this award and
Especially my friends actually
Yeah, I can't do this speech
Anymore...umm I got there pretty easily
So Thank you all
Everyone
And I will talk to you
Tomorrow night"
You giggled your pants off
And I giggled my nose

I loveya ta pieces
Does it show?

The Things You Dream About Hearing

The decisions I make
Are things you only dream about hearing
From an old TIME magazine article
When Princess Diana was on the cover
And everyone bought a copy
Because everyone loved her

The people I talk to
Are people you only dream about seeing
At a coffee shop
In a small town
With a cute guy at the cash register
Who's known your order since you
Moved there
Six months ago

The friends I make
Are people you only dream about meeting
In an airport
Or a train station
Or somewhere else where
You see a bunch of people
You'll fall in love with
And never see again

Because that's what I do
And that's who I am
And those are the things
You've only dreamt about hearing

I guess

I've decided it's over.
I'm not ready to tell anyone
Besides the one or so people that read this.
But I'm 100% sure
I'm done.
I'm so uninterested
I'm not taking it seriously enough
I need time to think
I need time to figure my life out a little
Before I make a mistake I'll regret forever.
I may end up disappointing
My entire family
And every friend I've ever had
They'll all remember this,
The one person in my family
Who couldn't handle school
The one person
To fail at something so important
The laughing stock
The only one
To be so unsuccessful

I'll probably be back
After everyone I know has already left
I'll meet new people
But it won't matter
The options for love interests
Will probably be slimmer
But it's okay
When you're as lost as me
Who needs someone that knows less about themselves
Than you can imagine.
Maybe I'll write a book.
Publish that shit.
Make around $100 because
Maybe,
Maybe,
10 people will buy it.

I can't believe I'm saying this
I can't believe
I'm about to let everyone down.
I'm sorry everyone,
It just wasn't for me
I'll see you when you can accept
I'm not you
I'll never be you
I'm barely me
I'm dropping out of college,
How many of your hopes
Have I just dashed?

Well...

My whole life depends on how I do
In school
And this semester
And things just aren't
Going the way I want them to go

I don't know what to do
So I deactivated my Facebook
And emailed someone
In charge of the volunteer org I always go through
And asked if I could volunteer next year
I'm worried that I won't be able to
Or I'll end up going to Mid-State
And I won't ever become anything
Or anyone
And no one
Will think it's that big of a deal

I'm freaking out
It's too late to call anyone
And I don't know what to do
I just really
Really
Don't know
What to do

She's a pretty girl

Do you call her a bitch?
She's a pretty girl
Did she sleep with your whole town?
Pretty girl
Pretty girl
Do you hate her
Cause she's pieces of you?

You say he's a faggot
Does it make you want to hurt him?
You say he's a faggot
Do you want to kick in his brain?
You say he's a faggot
Does it make you sick to your stomach?
You say he's a faggot
Are you afraid you're just the same?
Faggot
Faggot
Do you hate him
Cause he's pieces of you?

Dear Humboldt County

I've haven't figured out yet
How I feel about you
I haven't decided whether or not
I regret leaving
I haven't decided whether or not
I regret everything I did there
I haven't decided
If I regret ever moving there

I met some crazy people
I did some crazy things
I fit in
Better than I've fit in anywhere else
But it's not because everyone was so similar to me
It was because
Everyone was so different
That it was impossible not to fit in

I miss some parts of you
I miss some of the people that live within you
I miss the trees
I miss the forest
I miss other things that aren't worth mentioning

I think about you
Nearly every day
How many people that live there
Cared about me at all
How many people
Still consider me their friend

I forgot about Wisconsin
For five months
For awhile
I was convinced I could live there
Forever

You're such an imaginary place
I can't believe
I would have achieved anything living there
I can't imagine
Doing anything with my life
It's hard to think about really

I feel like I've already forgotten
Everything
That happened

You changed me
You made me better
You made me worse

Someday I'll sit down
Maybe in a few years
And finally decide
How I feel about you

Take it easy,
Jared

For You

I decided
I'd do this
Mainly for myself

Partially for everyone
That misses you
More than you could ever imagine

I'm doing it
To cope
To decide how I really feel
To make my feelings known
To everyone

I'm doing this for you

Best Dictionary Ever-

Patriarchy: (see awful)
Awful: NOM, most Republicans
Socialist: Picture of Jesus
Feminist: Photo of J. Katz and I when we meet
Gavin Newsom: (see great)
Great: Male allies, San Fran's universal health care
Small: Photo of Lexi

Ha-well

It's down to three weeks.

In three weeks I move back to WI.

It's what I want to do
What I have to do
What I need to do
What I should do

And just like every other time
I move from anywhere
I'm starting to get a little sad

I mean,
I have met some pretty sweet people out here
I've made some crazy memories
I've done crazy things
I'll definitely miss it

I move too often
I meet too many people that I leave constantly
First it was Maryland
Then Oshkosh
Then Chicago
Now California
Back to Oshkosh
This summer _______
I kind of want to do an internship in D.C.

Basically I made friends here
That I'm going to lose
Because that's what happens
Every time
I make some great friends
And then we never speak again

You might say
"If you were really that great of friends
you'd keep in touch somehow"
And although that might be true to a certain extent
No matter how you look at it,
It's extremely difficult
To keep a friendship going when you move
15 states away

I don't know
I'm just doing what I always do
Start to realize I'm going to miss it
Three weeks before I leave
Just like I did with Osh

Just like I'll do
The next time I move





Ugh

La da da da da da Na da da da da da

So here's the deal
Here's what I'm gonna lay down
It's gonna go like this
HIKE

Down town's
theonlywayto go
DOwntown's
Down
Thinking about tomorrow won't change how i feel today
Hey

Yeah
That's it
Uh huh
oKay
LISTEN UP
BAAAAAbe





NO one's toes
can be replaced
6 minutes
tell your tea is ready

as a beaver

Not to sound emo or anything....

sooooo.....

not to sound emo BUT
i feel like i might as well write about everything in my blog
basically
my friend here, hannah is from seattle
so she flew up there last night
and was going to come to cresent city
which is a half hour away
for thanksgiving with her family
and was going to pick me up on tuesday
which is my birthday

whelp that fell through
because a family friend is dying
and her mom has to take of her
so they're staying in seattle

so no big deal
i'll just be alone for my birthday
literally
every single friend i have here
is gone
every single friend
all week long
so it's just me
doing nothing
talking on the phone
being bored
being lonely
not doing anything
all day long
all week long
every day

this sucks
thanksgiving day
there's supposed to be a dinner
for the international students
and the kids that couldn't make it home,
like, oh, me

and i just know
it'll be at like 11am
and i won't care enough
to wake up

blah
worst birthday/thanksgiving ever
baaaaaaaah

Why is a creek in the forest the most beautiful sound i can think of?

I have two papers to write. I have one criitque. I have a bibliography due. I have a test due tomorrow. Im doing none of them. Instead im going to the forest.

Whelp, another great day in the life of Jaredo -- so far at 4pm I have woke up and taken a shower.... Almost too productive. I mean its veterens day, no school

Whelp

It's 3:52am so I thought to myself "This would probably be the best time ever to go on your blog" and since I have literally NOTHING going on w/ my life. I said "might as well"

I'm watching a documentary called "American Teen" about this high school with crazy cliques -- and all was going good. Interesting. Weird. Entertaining. And then 28 minutes in, it becomes the most depressing thing I've seen in quite awhile. Not sure if I can finish the documentary...

check it:

http://www.free-tv-video-online.info/player/novamov.php?id=4aaa42b1b0ab6

You can't play the victim this tim

you never call me when you're sober

you only want it cause it's over

Always

When I have homework, when it's time to write a paper , I stay up until 4am on the computer. Watching movies. Listening to music. Looking up random Supreme Court cases on Wikipedia I've never heard of. Looking up famous feminists. Looking at if they ever made anything of themselves. They always did. I look up news. Reading the latest headline in the LGBT community. Usually something bad. Usually some minister told a gay kid to kill himself. Nothing positive. I go onto my blog. I write about shit like this. I write about how I have nothing figured out. Not doing anything related to the paper. I go to bed. Wake up at 3pm. Think to myself, "at least it's not 4". Do things I regret, don't do things I need to be doing. Press "Repeat".

Why does everyone in California think that living a "care-free" life is okay 24/7? You get nothing done. You don't do anything productive.

You waste all of your time. Doing nothing at all. Being no one at all.

I miss you Wisco.

I feel like I have 600 things to do but I can't remember a single one

Little Blue Car

I was in a van tonight
And I was in the back seat
And the driver was smoking a cigarette
And his window was all the way downd
It was too cold in the back
But I didn't say anything

Remember your
Little blue car?
And how we would
Drive in it for hours.

Remember when that guy
Stole a safety pin
In study hall
So after school
When we went for a drive
We'd have something
To poke an old beer can with.

Remember how
We went to Perkins
Every week
And chain smoked
And hope to God
No one that knew us were there

Remember how
A guy took a video of us
Dancing
In the KFC parking lot?
Remember how excited I was

Remember how I kissed you
Because I wanted to kiss him
And he wanted to drive
And you didn't care
And I didn't care

That was stupid
It didn't matter at the time

I miss that
Little blue car

The little blue car
That knows
Every secret about me.

I'm sure

Tonight,
I'll never regret.

Some things are
Too nice
To ever feel bad about

Some people
Are too nice
To ever wish
You never met

Too nice
To ever be sad about

I'm not sad
Am I?

i hope

she's beautiful
and when she's 13
she comes out to the family
at thanksgiving
and i'll be there
and i'll give her a hug
and i'll tell her i love her
and i'll laugh at the shocked look
on everyone's faces
and you'll finally have to admit
i'm no different from you
and you'll finally have to admit
you're wrong
and eventually
you'll have to accept it
and
maybe
someday
she'll have a son
and
someday
he'll grow up
and
he'll
look just like
you

and maybe
just maybe
i'll start to talk to you again
at her son's graduation
i'll tell him congrats
and then i'll walk over to you
by the punch bowl
and i'll say
i'm sorry
that i let our entire lives slip by
without ever
letting you into mine

Tonight did nothing good for me

That's about
As simple as I can put it

<3

I knew you'd never understand. Not sure why I even bothered

I let myself

become addicted to things too easily

I pick up bad habits too quickly
I have a problem quitting anything I know I should

I think my subconscious mind likes it
I think my subconscious mind
Thinks it makes me more interesting

Maybe it's not subconscious at all

I know when I take things too far
I know when I should stop

But a part of me won't let me
A part of me
Likes going down the wrong path

Likes doing things
I know I shouldn't

Likes skipping class
And sleeping through life
And listening to the same song
40-60 times in a row

Or watching the same episode of Glee
Countless times

Why do I think that's okay?

I become obsessed with things
So quickly
I see something I like
And I obsess over it
I think about it all the time
Until I get sick of it

Like a Glee song I never want to hear again
I've listened to it too many times
I've watched the episode the song is in
Too many times

Where it's not even enjoyable anymore

I think I want someone else's life
Not that mine is that bad

But I just see a TV show
And love some character's life
So much
I just want to be them

Or I want to be the actor
So I read everything I can about that person
And I fall in love
With someone I don't know
Or probably have anything in common with

It's sick really

It's a disgusting habit
Maybe that's a personality trait
Rather than a habit

I'm going to try to go
This whole week
Without doing something retarded
My roommate thinks its a great idea
He said "Yeah, definitely
Let's go to all of our classes this week"

But I know
Neither of us will last

I'll be in the bathroom
Something will remind me of it
Or I'll see something

And I'll call my roommate
And he'll come over
And we'll break our week
Of not being retarded

I don't have any temporary goals for myself
I don't have anything I've set for myself

I just realized
This is a horribly depressing blog post
That I don't really want anyone to read
But it needs to be public
Someone needs to know
I've starting doing nothing with my life

I told someone yesterday
About you
And she kind of freaked out
She hit me
And asked me how stupid am I

I was a little taken aback
"Is that weird?" I asked
And she said
"Ummm... yeah
If someone only calls you
From pay phones
I think that's a sign
That it's not okay"

I tried to defend you
I tried to think of the last excuse you told me
So I could say it to her
And she what she would say

We stopped making sense after that
She had a few glasses of wine
I had a few of something else
We did the most retarded things ever

She drove a car
And I'm not sure which one of us thought that was
Acceptable
At all

But she did

I didn't stop eating
Junk food

I haven't eaten a real meal
A full meal
The amount of food
A 19 year old should in a day
In probably
20 days or so

I eat ice cream
And soda
And candy
Everyday

Why the fuck
Did that become my diet?

I need to get out
Before I sink in
I need to stop
Before I can't anymore

I need to go home
Get my life together
Do something
Meet someone
Get a job
Make normal friends

Eat everyday
Quit watching Glee

I've never thought of that
What the fuck would I do without Glee?
I base every week off of it

I stay up until 3am on Tuesdays
Waiting for someone to put it online

And then I watch it
Everyday
Or listen to the songs on that episode
Dozens of times
What
The
Fuck

I can't even think about it
That seriously makes me depressed

Something needs to change
I'll let you know what it is
Once I figure it out
........................

This is my 100th post

What have I written about 100 times? Seems pretty crazy that I started this 100 entries ago, and haven't really said anything this entire time. I don't know what to do anymore. It's 1a.m. and I have no reason to go to bed. Like, I have class at noon. I woke up at 3 o'clock in the afternoon

I've done that probably 3 or 4 times since moving to Humboldt. I never take a nap during the week ever, and then Saturday comes around and I fucking sleep until 2 or 3 or 4 in the afternoon. I've never done that before. Wtf is wrong with me?

I think I need to move back to WI just so I can fucking not be the laziest human being alive. Yes, I'll probably sit in my room and stare at the computer screen looking at Facebook and reading the news. Over and over and over again.

But at least then, I'll -- I don't even fucking know. Why is it better to do nothing there than it is to do nothing here? Like, WTF. The more I think about it the more confusing it is. I literally do nothing at all, all day long. I don't fucking get it. I don't get who I've become. I don't get why I do anything that I do out here.

I'm wasting time. I'm waiting for something. I'm waiting for something to happen to make me change my life and get the fucking picture. Like, once I graduate and I get a job, will I still be doing nothing? Will I still be the same fucking weird person that sits in the same chair everyday and doesn't do anything? I just don't understand.

What do I think I'm doing with my life? Because it's not much of anything. I'm affecting no one's life as I sit here. I'm not contributing in any way to society. I'm not participating in life. I'm spending time on Facebook hoping someone has messaged me or written on my wall.

Or I go on here and write something stupid. Or read Google News to stay updated...for whatever reason.

I don't write any papers that I know are due. I don't read at all -- even though I should.

I fucking do. Absolutely. Nothing.

What's wrong with me?

Basically.

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough...

To put it simply, I'm wasting my life away in this yellow chair in this tiny room on this orange computer for days at a time. I need to do something

I want to be special

I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want to be special
So very special

BOOMboomBOOmboom

I feel like I should write something
Even though I've got nothing to write
Nothing at all
Nothing at all
Nothing at all
Nothing at
Nothing at
Nothing at all
Nothing at
Nothing at all
Nothing at
Nothing at all
Nothing at
Nothing
Nothing at
Nothing at all
Nothing at
Nothing
Nothin
Nothi
Noth
Not
No
N

Nothing at all

Well

something thats weird about me

the only compliments
that i
ever
believe

are from
complete strangers
that i meet one time
sometimes
i will never even meet them

i dont know why


thats just me

I want to

find some guy that can make me blush

My dreams

If you'd like to visit again
In my dreams tonight
I'd be okay with that.

I'd love it.
I know what I want to say to you now.
I want to say

"I can't wait to see you again"

UGH I really can't.

Please come <3

BOOM

Phone Call

I was talking to someone
Someone I talk to everyday
And you beeped in

I always put every
Fucking
Thing on hold for you.

If I wouldn't have answered
You might not have called me
For a few months
Or called me as I'm driving home from a friends house
In the middle of night

You might have been on X

You might have asked if I was high
But you were too fucked up to know
What the word "high" meant

And just for the record

I wasn't fucking high
I was probably pissed
You chose to call

You were living in Memphis
Living in a hotel room
Living with people I hate
Living with people you know I hate

I don't want to hear him in the background
What could possibly make you think
I'd be okay with hearing his
God
Dammed
Voice
In the background?

Sometimes you don't think
Sometimes I wonder if I know you at all

Sometimes
I feel like
Never
Talking to you
Ever
Again

I'm not strong enough to handle that

A girl from a while ago

Well, I went to your page today and almost started crying. You changed your display picture so I thought "might as see what she's been up to". Wow. I miss you. I want to go back a few years and we can talk and text and you can show me new music and I can tell you you're pretty.

It just made me extremely sad. Also reading an article my mom sent me because she thought I might "enjoy reading it" made me feel like shit.

Fuck everything

I miss freshman year of high school. Everything made sense. Everything was normal. I had a good group of friends. I made new friends. I came out. I ate everyday. It was just so fucking easy.

And then we come to today. I'm listening to "Monster" by Meg and Dia which is an automatic downer lol.

It's 1:15 am and I haven't started a paper that's due tomorrow.

I don't know how to say "hey" to you again. It's been too long. Are you engaged? That rips my heart in half. It makes everything 100% final.

_____________________________________________________

Not sure why I wrote that as though my computer isn't a foot away from me and my blog was my best friend...

Just watched the first episode of season 2 of Glee Not sure how I felt about it. Sam's too manly for my liking. Seems like it could be awkward with kurt and him

Corrections

Remember to look only at tonights
Not the one about waking up late

Ugh I had all these other corrections

MIgh hat to say I love you

Adios amigos

Hasta la guerra

Modos y OVO

That was embarrassing

that was kind of embarrassing that i sent that to her :S now i feel kind of bad

im just at a different level

That ever before

Like lever 3 of Kurby with the shark
And its the hardest thing in the entire world?
That one?

Yeah that's a way different level
Harder than all the ones before it

Okay well whatever

I'll get over it

LOVE EVERYONE EVERE (BESIDES THE BIG "H". THE BIG 'OL GERMAN MAN. DO WE ALL KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT? I CERTAINLY HOPE SO. YES YES YES I DO

Good night Moon
Good night chairs

Good night ducks and that kangaroo

Good night honey
In your underwear

<3 MUAH

This is just wrote my friend Brook on FB though I should Share

posted a new blog. Ate a rice crispy bar

BAR

Anyway idk. it just seems like that could happen. Have you ever heard of Taraji P. Henson? Because two of my lesbian friends both like her, and it seems like all lesbians listen to the same music. Or the same people. Fuck I thought you were my blog for a second. This might not make sense and be embarrassing

Okay I really dont have that much more to say. I have a dance audition at 10:30. Hope that's not awkward

I need that credit though. I fucking NEED that credit. And I need to drop my Social Work class by tomorrow at 5. But he needs to "Review" to see if I get the class waived. Either way if he approves it or denies it, it doesn't matter I can't be in the class because I've missed too many days. SO... Idk WTF to do. Now I'm freaking myself out dude. FREAKING MYSELF OUT Dude

I might be a failure. UGh I thought you were my blog agian. Let it slide

I should go now before I start ranting again. Ill have to talk to you later

Love you. FOREVERE MUFF :) <3 <3<3

Let me put it to you this way,

So here's the deal
This is what it all boils down to
I can't stay at Humboldt
If I want to graduate any where NEAR 4 years...

SO I probably won't be here next semester
I'll probably move back to Osh
And then once I'm there for a little
I'll say "I'm bored of this. I hate the snow"
My parents will say
"You're the one that wanted to come back
You chose to do this
You could have stayed in California"

I KNOW IT

I know that's exactly what they'll say.
I don't know
I just have a bad thinking in my head
I mean, c'mon

It's just I'm worried I'll say I hate it again
That'd really put in a pickle

Fuck pickles.

Anyway, I also might just transfer to a different school
Within the National Student Exchange

I was thinking

Northern Arizona University in Flagstaff

That's a really liberal town
And I've been there 3 times
2 of them I can remember.

I don't remember THAT much
But, when we stepped out of the car
The temperature was 112 degrees
And I remember thinking "Gosh darnet
That's the highest it's ever been"

At least to me.

Well IDK wtf to do

Maybe I'll go to Arizona
Or maybe I'll go back to Osh
Or MAYBE I'll just stay here

Maybe that..

That might be the easiest
It might make the most sense

I always do this
I move somewhere
After a couple weeks
I'll say I want t o leave

I'll say I want to go to a different state

And then I'll just stick with it
That's just what I'll do

I might go home at semester though
I need everyone there

I know I'm going to hate it
But I just need a school
That I know cares about me

You know what I'm saying

Now I can start going back to the LGBT meetings
On campus

After Nick was a dickwad
I stopped going
Because I knew he'd be there
Maybe at semester when I start going
There will be some cute freshman
Who will see me
And want me

Like this music video:



She's the last of the English
Ro-o-o-ses

ANYWAY

Yeah, So I could go to the meetings
And go to Toppers
And come home when I wanted to
And go to the library almost anytime of day
And just be free

Sooo
Yeah
I will be transferring back
I've decided
Why am I homesick?
I've never been homesick.
EVER.
God, that'd be nice
If Wisconsin was warm
and Wisconsin
Was super liberal
And strict gun laws
And gay marriage
And liberal people

And good
Food...

But honestly
There are some liberal places
And there are some liberal people
In Madison or something

They have domestic partnerships
Which is 22% of the legal rights
Which is quite a bit honestly

I just want kids really
Isn't that what everyone wants
When they get married
They check them out and think
"Maybe we'll have a family someday"

Doesn't everyone do that?

Idk maybe not...
I just want a fucking boyfriend

And Oshkosh
To be liberal
Super fucking liberal

I know that if the wrong guy becomes governor
They'll strip away our rights

I shouldn't have eaten that food
This close to bed time
Idk how my sleep's going to go

Anyway
I hate politics
Everywhere

I wish the best guy would win
I honestly with the best girl wins
But that's out of the question

I wish he or she thought just like me

I think my best candidate would be
The governor of Mass

Or Russ Fiengold
Or Obama 10 years ago

He was on the IL floor in 1996 and voted
That gays and lesbians
Should get marriage

And he said yes
And then he became moderate

I hate the term
"Partner"
or
"Commitment Ceremony"

I like the term "Husband"
I like the term "Wedding"

I would think my mom would know
What I wanted to be called

She also calls my (girl)friend's girlfriend "a friend"like "Is her friend in town" and stuff like that
It's kind of weird.

Anyway I dont think I've got anything else to say
PEACE

I woke up at 3pm today

I woke up at 3pm today

Your mom texted me

She gave me your phone number

She said you wanted me to have it

I said thanks
I said I'd call you soon soon
I said I was glad you were where you are

Why the fuck did that happen?

I kind of want you to call me....

I need to make sure im not coming home for you

the first snow fall

So... I'm starting to miss A LOT of things about Wisconsin

Lemme just tell you them all, right now:

i miss the leaves changing colors in WI.
and hanging out with everyone.
and scotty's at oshkosh.
and getting pizza hut at scotty's in oshkosh
and going to blackhawk at oshkosh
and all my real friends from oshkosh
and eating with connie everyday
and having someone to eat with everyday
and the lesbians at oshkosh.
and the classes at oshkosh.
And rob/val
And crystal
and no one being from anywhere besides wisconsin.
and being home for every little thing.
and being able to tell every second of my life to becky and jordy in person
and Brooke.
and lauren.
and chloe.
And sam hofer
and liz
and all my other friends that occasionally show up to central Wisco
and not having gazebos
not having to do laundry.
EVERYTHING.
fucking drunks on the weekends even though i hated them.
TOPPERS.
omfg Toppers.
and Culvers.
and WALMART.
my bad cat maybz

NUMBER 1 OVERALL.
MY NIECE AND NEPHEWS.

I miss Eden even though she doesn't like me
And Quinn who really does like me.
LIZ ugh.
Her life.
That one guy
Who calls me at random times

And lauren's house in biron
Buster to a certain extent.
Never having to think about where to get alcohol from
Even though I don't really drink at all
and Food
Any kind of food
and my car
and watching movies with sam and xander
and hanging out with everyone that was friends with kim

and doing nothing with lauren
and doing whatever the hell me and liz can find things to do
and just DRIVING AROUND with chloe
anything at all
everyone


. and every. fucking. thing. about. god. damned. homophobic. cold. annoying. bitchy. wisconsin

i hate so much of it
so much of it sucks
but theres so many fucking things
that i miss

like the first snow fall that will happen in a couple weeks
i'll be in california
the first flakes of the season
will fall without me

fuck

Oh My God

I just scored an 88% on my Ocean quiz. A FUCKING 88

I couldn't be happier

Even though I studied for about 6 hrs.

.....

Ahora

So right now,

I'm attempting to finish this quiz online for Oceanography. It's nearly impossible. Not really sure if it could possibly harder. This is the problem I really have no fucking clue what the answer is:

Consider a radioactive isotope (called "A") with a half life of 50 million years that decays to a stable isotope (called "B"). You measure both isotopes in a rock and find 15 times as much "B" as you do "A". Based on this, how old is the rock in millions of years? Please list only the number corrsponding to your answer without any units.

WHAT THE FUCK?! I do not know what to do. At all. Not even a fucking little bit. Jesus H. W. Christ. UGH I don't have a clue what to even write down to attempt to solve it. We did not learn how to do this at all. And he spelled corresponding wrong.

So as I contemplate killing my computer, I'm listening to the song "Peacock" by Katy Perry and old songs from Glee.

I hate life right now. So bored. So not happy. FUCK

I had a dream about my firend Kim

So, last night I had a dream about Kim, for the first time in quite awhile. I'm not sure if she's ever actually been in one of my dreams before.

After Kim passed I had a reccurring nightmare where I was in the car with her. I'm pretty sure it was her. Or I was her. Something about it was strange.The dream was terrifing. We just kept on driving on and on and never stopped at any stop light. I kept on telling myself we needed to stop but for some reason we couldn't.

It happened over and over and over again for what seemed like the entire night. And I could never make myself wake up. It happened quite a few nights in a row...

But the months passed, and we come to last night.

So, I don't really remember the beginning of it, it was a dream so it's bound to not make a ton of sense. It started with Krista and I; we were outside of a building sitting on some benches and there was a window where we could see Sam and Joellen sitting inside on the floor and talking about Kim.

It seemed like it was after Youth Group and we all were meeting up somewhere to hang out, but it was somewhere I'd never been before. We felt so sorry that Sam and Joellen wanted her to be there that I decided to knock on the window just a couple times.

It was in the hope that they would think it was Kim just stopping by, making a little noise to let you know she was still with us.

I heard Sam "I bet that was Jared or Krista" and Sam came outside to find us and said "You guys, come inside, Kim's here!" And I didn't know what to say. It was such a realistic dream that I had no idea what was going on.

We hurried inside and there was Kim. Sitting with everyone and talking. I couldn't believe it. I was speechless. My mouth was dry and I kept on rubbing my eyes. Saying "Pinch me this has to be a dream" -- which it was, but I didn't wake up yet. Everyone was just telling her what was new in their life and all I wanted to know was why she couldn't come back to life. Come back and live in Port Edwards again. The conversation we had went something like this...

Me: Kim, what's going on?

Kim: *laughs* You're excited to see me, Jared?

(I had forgotten how amazing her smile was)

Me: Kim, oh my god, yes. Where have you been?

Kim: I had to go for awhile

Me: Where? Where did you go? Why did you have to go?

Kim: I don't know. I can't come back though. Just came to stop by. I wanted to see how you were all doing.

Me: Kim, I miss you so much. When can we see you again?!

Kim: Don't worry about it. Don't think about it too much.

Sam: What do you mean? You aren't coming back to visit again?

Kim: No, you guys. I might come back. I might not. Don't get your hopes up and wait for me every night. If I show up, I show up but I don't want your lives to revolve around the next time I'll show up.

Joellen: But we all want you to come back

Krista: Just for a couple hours even.

Kim: Let's just enjoy tonight you guys. I'm glad we're all together again.

I didn't really know what to say. I just wanted to hear her voice.

I don't remember much of the conversation after that, or what we were doing. It was just all of us hanging out like old times and I could hardly contain myself. I just kept on trying to memorize her face and her smile and everything that was happening. She seemed so happy. It was amazing.

I felt like I should share this, because it was absolutely insane. I really do feel like I saw Kim last night and she was actually saying those things to me. I can't really explain the feelings it brought about, all I can say is I am so glad I had that dream.

Crowfoot

What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night.
It is the breath of a buffalo in the winter time.
It is the little shadow which runs across the grass
And loses itself in the Sunset.
--Crowfoot, 1890

I started saying "Dude"

I started saying "Dude"
And "man" after
Or before
Or in the middle
Of every sentence

And every other person
That came here from a different state
Or a different part of California
All did too

I say it as often as I say "like"
...which is too often
And I've increased my swearing
By 100%

Words I didn't
And never will pick up:
Narley
Hella
Dank
"Hella as shit, man"

Typical conversation

Kyler: Dude, I think raisins might be my favorite thing ever.
Me: Shut the fuck up, man
Kyler: No, I'm fucking serious. Like, out of any category... it's always raisins.
Me: Dude, what's your favorite TV show? Raisins?
Kyler: Well no.. just like nothing even compares to them

3 Hours later through text messages

Me: Dude, I'm about to eat four granola bars. The fucking Jolly Giant closed at 7
Kyler: Go for it dude
Me:... I just ate fucking four granola bars. I think granola bars might be better than raisins
Kyler: Fuck that, man. Raisins are fucking tight as hell.
Me: Fuck that, dude.

An hour later... Kyler wakes me up at 2am

Kyler: DUDE, everyone at this party wants you to come
Me: Shut the fuck up, man
Kyler: Not joking like 10 people asked where you were
Me: 10 people don't know me, how many actually asked
Kyler: Two...
Me: Were they both girls?
Kyler: Yeah, man
Me: Dude, fuck you. Gross.

Did the tiger in Alladin ever bite?

I kinda hope so...

I hid in a bathroom for an hour last night.
I forgot about you for an hour last night.
I didn't talk about you.
I had to stay silent
For an hour
Last night

Likes and Dislkes

*Likes and Dislikes*

Favorite Female Artist (Straight): Britney
Favorite Female Artist (Bi): Lady G
Favorite Female Artist (Gay): Tracy Chapman

Favorite Band: Tegan and Sara

Favorite Female Black Author: Maya Angelou, Toni Morrison, Alice Walker, Lorraine Hansberry (tie)

Favorite Books: The Color Purple, The Great Gatsby, Hanging on to Max, The Legacy of Luna, Autobiography of a Face

Favorite Overrated Series: Harry Potter

Favorite TV Shows: Glee, Crappy Reality Shows on MTV (Minus Jersey Shore), The United States of Tara

Favorite Movies: Alice in Wonderland (new), Brokeback, Never Been Kissed, The Bubble, Titanic, Milk

Favorite Actress (OF ALL TIME): Drew Barrymore
Favorite Actor: James Franco/Brad Pitt (Kind of the same person)

Music I HATE: Michael Jackson, Frank Sinatra, Bob Marley

Music That's Probably Good (But I listened to it too often as a child): The Beatles, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Favorite City (Less than a Million): DC
Favorite City (Over A million): Chicago

Favorite Animal: WOLVES (competes for a spot in my heart next to Drew Barrymore), Sea Turtles

Favorite Person: Niece/Nephews (tie.. obv)

Favorite Food: Pizza

Prettiest Place in the US That I Would Never Move to: Charleston, South Carolina

Prettiest Place I Might Move to when I'm 50: The North Woods of WI

Most Overrated Things: (see music I hate), School dances, Alcohol, vanilla pudding, meat

Most Underrated Things: Vegan Chocolate, Tofu, Cover bands from Youtube, Everything related to my "Favorite Actors" section, Baraboo WI

The 6 People I would Literally DIE to meet: 1) Drew Barrymore 2) James Franco 3) Lady Gaga 4) Justin Bieber/Alice Walker (They bring up similar emotions for me) 5) Michelle Obama

Countries I've Thought About Moving To: Israel, Iceland, Canada, Mexico, Australia, Sweden, Denmark

Things I Can't Live Without: My Wallet and Cellphone

Things I hate: When people don't know how to type correctly, people who don't think men and women should be 100% equal, when people are afraid of women in power, Middle-Eastern Islam because of their horrendous treatment of women -- it literally reminds me of the Nazis, people who they can sing -- when they can't, when my secret bands become famous, actually sort of loving the movie Avatar-- that's actually more embarrassing than anything else, Circuses, Animals put in small cages for human entertainment, Small children getting hurt, Atheists (they're just annoying really), Learning about cars, Regretting not talking to that one friend more often before you could never talk to them again, Car alarms, When people make fun of one of your best friends, moving every 6 months

Things I love: People overcoming adversity, my Native American Studies class, When people say "Native" instead of "Indian", when people say "Black" instead of "African-American", Quilting, Acoustic music, Small parties with my best friends, Finding somewhere where you're truly comfortable, Learning a new language (although I haven't really), when people get super attractive just from a haircut, the name Natalie, Listening to Tracy Chapman for hours on end, Writing on my blog, Eating Toppers, Eating Culvers, Eating OREOS, When I pick up someone's mannerisms from hanging out with them too often, When you pray about something and it works out, re-watching old episodes of glee

That pretty much sums me up :)

I over-analyze absolutly ever situation imaginable. This is always happening to me.

I've been thinking about you...

I've been thinking about you a lot again. Which sucks, sense I'm trying to enjoy myself in California. I've got to meet someone who isn't you. Thanks for the occasional phone call. Thanks for going to rehab for the 5th time... we all know it won't work but it's cool you're using your tribes money to try to convince yourself you're not wasting away your life... even though they somehow own 30 million dollars to Wisconsin. I honestly do miss you. I miss when we used to hang out -- when you didn't call me at awkward times. When I didn't have to drop everything to answer the phone because I never know when or if you'd ever call again. I hope treatment is doing something for you this time. It seems like South Dakota really should have fixed it all. They were everything you needed. It was suppose to work. Weren't you there for three months or something? I think you missed Thanksgiving and Christmas. You wrote me a letter. You said you were doing awesome. I don't want to date you for your life to get better. I want your life to get better because you finally learn from your mistakes. I check out circuit court every once in awhile. I check to see how many warrants are out for your arrest. The ones you "forgot" to mention to me. Like the felony that was dropped because your tribe made them drop it. That was cute. I'm taking a class this semester. I hope it teaches me about you and how you got the way you are. How we destroyed your culture and continue to destroy your people. I feel bad for what happened but why can't you just get the fuck with it and do something with your life.

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this letter to you. I know you'll never read it. You probably won't get to use a computer for a month. You told me you were going to be in treatment for a month, right? It was nice you said that, but I know you'll leave after 2 weeks because you're totally better. Or at least that's what you somehow convince yourself is the truth. Ugh. Don't come to California. Please don't. I know you're going to. I know you're going to find some weird ass way to get here. Stopping at every single state on the way to try some new drug you've never heard of before. Fuck that. This city is everything you don't need.

Call me, I guess. I'd like to hear what you think you'll do next. It's no use telling you the truth...

Dear everyone from any major airport in the state of Calornia, this has been the worst day of my life, love jared

Give me one reason to stay here
And I'll turn right back around

I don't want no one to sqeeze me
It might take away my life

I'm too old to chasing you around

Okay okay okay OKAY

So, here's the deal : I'll sit here. for however long you want me to sit here. So you can tell me what you want to tell me. I know how to write. I know how to read. I'll never know how to juggle 12 magic eight balls. But I'm okay with that. I'm okay never knowing most anything. My plans for my life are simple. Be happy. Meet a great guy. Get married. Adopt some kids. Watch them graduate. Watch them become somebody. Watch them live out my dream. I want to write. And so I will. I won't give up on that. No. Fucking. Way. At Humboldt, no one in the WORLD is going to be me. No one there knows anything about me -- and I'm okay with that. I mean, isn't that why I did this? So I could be normal someday? Okay so no one will know me and that means I'll never meet my husband. That's who I need to meet. Not some stupid boyfriend. I want him to be HIM. I can't fucking wait to see who it turns out to be. I want to write a book. I want to win awards with that book. That's what I'll do forever. Who will care about it? Oh, I know! NOBODY. God. No, but I really do. I think I should. I think I have a story that people need to know. It's important. It'll help someone survive. It will kill others. How can some memoirs tell their whole life story? Think about all the people I'm sure they hurt. When you write "I used to sleep with my highschool's quarterback" everyone in America is just reading that. But some guy. Somewhere. Who was that quarterback. His life is ruined. How do they do that? Obviously they have no facebook. Because you'd just be killed. And if you were that quarterback. I mean,

WTF would you do?

My books going to be about race relations, marriage. children. bombs. and then I fall aslepe Im going to sleeep in this chair like that.

That was embarassing. okay like the last time I wrote a journal entry like this, I emailed my friend Crystal and told her I was falling asleep. Well at that time my hand was falling asleep but now its my butt. I'm kind of sad to leave this story line so soon. But I must. I love you all. Each and everyone. All the time.

Let me put it to you this way...

Someday? I'm gonna be somebody.
I'm gonna do something.
I'm gonna say all those things
You told me you should have said
After that party
When everyone was leaving
And you asked me
If I wouldn't just
PLEASE
Stay for a minute.

I stayed.
For more than a minute.

Someday I'll be those things
You wished you could have become
I'll be than guy in the crowd
That some people know his name
But most have no idea who he is

Who he actually is
Fiesta. Nueva.

There's all this stuff
I could say to you the next time you'll call
That sucks that I will never me
That type of somebdy

That's just not me

"Dad I dont know what to pack"
"Start with the most important stuff in one suitcase and then the kind of important things in another and.... kitty in the last"

I move on Thursday
I leave Wisconsin in two days
I leave home in two days
I go on a

Tonight, I felt infinite.

Well... That'd'a been cool if I could have seen you before I leave, but you know...

The hardest part is letting go of the nights we shared...

These are my saved text message:

From Tony: 5/10/10 1:26 pm

Ja
ray
dough.. your a cool kid.. otherwise I wouldn't have stuck up for you yesterday

At the library the previous day, we were on the second level, which was the "quiet" area. I obviously laughed obnoxiously loud on accident and some bitch (let's be honest she had the right) said something really rude to me to be quiet and he totally told her off. No one's stuck up for me before

Sam Hofer: 5/15/10 3:57 pm

Okay... Shes gone jared... I cant believe it.... Theyre taking her off tonight so they can donate her organs....

I'm not 100% sure why I saved that text message. I read it probably every other day, trying to make myself believe the truth that Kim died but it's impossible for me to fully grasp.

Sam Hofer 5/15/10 4:19 pm

I know... I really want to be home... Were leaving in the morning...

That text came after I said I wish I could see her and something stupid because I couldn't think of anything else to say, like "it'll be okay".

Elle: 6/1/10 3:08 pm (will attach photo)

Yup, this would be the 'pimpin' key chain I stole from you in sixth grade. Found it in my cleaning frenzy. haha.

Pretty self explanatory.

Message from me to Crystal: 7/11/10 12:14 am

Yellow mell yell wetl they ase aeros 2dpoh 2dpoh being piano pillo shay pillo silly so that's dot not funny fun
The JME BOOM

Well... you see.... that wasn't a good night for me

Sam Hofer: 7/14/10 6:39 pm

Me too!! I havent been this happy in months! Its a beauiful day too! For the first time since kim passed, I feel like everything will be okay. :D Its amazing.

This was after Sam told me she was moving back to live with her parents for awhile and I said I was super excited for her. I think I had to save the most depress text message I ever recideved and the happiest one.

I'm not sure why I wrote all of these down, probably because my phone will eventually stop working and those texts will no longer exist. So i hope this is worth something...

I used to live alone before I knew you.

The feelings I feel toward you both
Are feelings I don't think I've ever felt before
If any of my best friends read this
They'll get pissed

But it's a different sort of friendship
Living with someone
Being around them 24/7
Working at the same place
Going out to eat at the same restaurants
Smoking the same hookah

Hearing the same gun shots

It's a friendship I've never had before
You're both closer than friends
A strange distance apart
From being family

It's unique to say the least.

We've all known each other
For only two months
But it feels like two years
Closer to two decades

You both helped me quit smoking
You made me quit smoking
You were with me
When I
Officially
Quit smoking

I don't know how to truly describe it
When one of you left you told me
You left a letter upstairs for me
But that you could never put in words
What our friendship actually was

And it was so true
There isn't really a word for it.

So tonight it was just me
And the other you
The other you who I became so close with
The other person
The third J.

I wouldn't say it ended well
It's like leaving a brother or sister
Or best friend
And not really knowing if you'll ever see each other
Again

Kind of planning not to see each other again

So I think our last few days,
Be that conscious or subconscious
We slowly drifted apart from each other.

I'll miss you both so much
I'll try to move on
Since we all live
About as far apart as possible

Because I know
I can't wait around
Until our friendship picks back up

I hope you don't forget about me
I'll try my hardest
To never forget about you.

Part of me thinks
It'd be kind of awkward
Going from being each other's only friends
To going out to eat together one day
Years later

What could we even talk about?
We'll have forgotten all of our inside jokes.
I swear
I made more inside jokes with you
Than any of my other friends.

Simply by doing the
Exact
Same
Thing
Together
Everyday

I definitely ate more freeze pops
Subway
Dominos
Chicago Style pizza
and Kool-aid than with anyone else

No one's lived on the South Side of Chicago with me before
No one's played "punch me if you see a white person"
And sat there for 20 minutes at a bus stop
Not being punched

I've never had FT with anyone

No one else
Have I gone to the Emergency Room with
At 12 a.m.
Not out of want
But because that's what you'd do for someone
You really care about

No one else
Have I lost a cat with
Or got lost so many times downtown
Of any city

Or got locked out of a house
Or told
Some of the things I told you

Or had such bizarre experiences
Or learned Ebonics
Or felt like dying from heat exhaustion

Or realized so clearly
I needed you
Quite a bit more than you needed me

No one else have I done
Basically anything we did.

I never had as deep of conversations
Lasting as long.

My best friends all
Agree with me
Our political and religious conversations
Last for about 5 minutes
After we come to the conclusion
That we all feel the same way

That's the end of that.

I really don't want to leave.
I don't want to leave this church
Or this city
I know I fell in love with it
Much more than you did

I simply don't want to leave
This sucks

We're leaving each other
Maybe forever

I think we'll all be a little
Culture shocked moving back
To our hometowns

I'm moving to another new place.
You aren't.
I have to re-make friends all over again.
You don't

You were both so easy
To talk to.
I didn't have to try.

Things will be different there.
Things will never be the same.

I'll miss you both
I hope you find this someday

Take it easy

Love,

___________

It's sooo close

The closer I get to leaving the place
The worse I feel

As the hour ticks by
My heart
Begins to slowly
Slowly
Drop

I'm already sad and I haven't even left yet
What could replace
Everything I've done here
Everywhere I've gone
Everything I've seen
Everyone I've met
Every bus ride taking me on a new adventure
...Nothing

Nothing can replace
Any of that.

How long will it be until I make it back here?
I'd like to say
"Not very long at all"
I'd like to say
"Maybe next weekend"

But in reality
It'll probably be a few years.
What do I need to come back here for?
It's merely a desire that
Doesn't need fulfilling

It's a problem
That doesn't need fixing.

It'd be nice
in an ideal world
To stay here
Or move here
Or to visit here
Forever.

However,
All good things must come to an end.

That might be
The hardest thing
I've ever had to accept.

I wring my hands when I think of you...

What's new in my life...

So here's the deal,

I just sent an extremely rude but to-the-point email to Humboldt Housing because next year (in total) it will cost around $30,000 and last year all together cost around $12,000. The whole point of doing this National Student Exchange was so it'd be the same price. So I don't know what the fuck to do. I emailed about switching my meal plan and apartment situation to make it a few thousand dollars cheaper, and all I got was an automated email about how my payment is due on the 10th. So that really pissed me off and I sent an email back about how apparently the email got to the wrong person and how I thought it was extremely rude and unprofessional to not even respond to the last email. I also said I might not get to go to Humboldt if they don't fucking (left that part out) email me back in time.

I'll probably regret sending that email in the morning but I dunno what to do. You'd think they would be more helpful. How the hell can college cost that much there? Like, honestly, who has that money? I don't understand it at all. I'm thinking about going there for 1 semester instead of the entire year since I clearly don't have that much money and feel like I'm a huge burden on my parents, because if I wasn't I would be able to go to whatever school I chose to go to.

This whole situatin is really pissing me off. I just want to become a flight attendent and travel the world. I might actually like that. A lady at church was talking about how she used to be the manager of some bank somewhere in Chicago but it was too stressful so she became a flight attendant instead and loves it.

Would that be a rewarding job, and do I really want to do it? I have no fucking clue. All I know is that I think it's my responsibility as a Christian to not care about money at all, so that's what I'm trying to do. There's such a fine line between being comfortable, and living an OK lifestyle, and being rich and being greedy with your money.

I hate this shit. I hate it all. I can't figure out anything. People say "you're 19, you're not supposed to have anything figured out" but that really ticks me off because, yeah -- okay, fine, whatever -- maybe that is true but I need to know where I go to school? Hello! God, I dunno. Maybe I'll never have anything figured out. I think it'd be cool to be a writer like Alice Walker or Maya Angelou or Toni Morrison, since they're powerful black women, like myself. But I'm not that good of a writer -- at all. So that dream quickly flys out the window.

I hate this.

my cousin is coming to visit
tomorrow
i feel like i'm seven again
that's how excited i am
to see her
cannot
wait

Someday...

Someday
I want a bookshelf
Maybe in my bedroom
Filled entirely
With female black authors.

Maybe a couple of bookshelves.
One might be in the kitchen.
Maybe there will be a whole library.
The wall paper
Will be a field of purple flowers
And the quote
"I think it pisses God off
When you walk by the colour purple in a field
And don't notice it."
Will be in the center

The authors that will
Fill these book shelves will be:
Maya Angelou,
the only nameable poet to the average American,
Toni Morrison,
the last American to win the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1993,
Alice Walker,
who coined the term "womanist" and
Lorraine Hansberry,
the first black woman to have a play produced on Broadway.
They'll be the majority of my collection.

But surely they will not be the only ones.
I'll have multiple copies of "The Color Purple".
Every edition that has ever been printed.
Alice Walker will probably get her own shelf.

Maybe I'll label it "Alice's Art"
Or something cute like that.
There'll be a few purple flowers by it.
That book shelf will be covered in them.
No one can have too many purple flowers

Maybe people will glace at it
And wonder "Why are all of these authors
Black
Women?"

I won't answer right away
After awhile I'll say
"They're the only authors I like"
Which is kind of true.
They have written my favorite books.
But more importantly
They've overcome oppression.
Opression
That most people today
Haven't had to overcome.

They're black.
And.
They're women.
They're all feminists.
They're womanists.

They make me continue to write.

The first black woman at anything is amazing.
But the first black woman author at something
Is an even greater achievement.
Oprah is hardly black.
Hallie Berry, see how I described Oprah.
Obama = Oprah

If Michelle Obama would have won
Instead of Barack Obama,
I'd consider the election more impressive.

This bookshelf will explain my life.

Best Lindsay Lohan tweet of all time.

the only "bookings" that i'm familiar with are Disney Films, never thought that i'd be "booking" into Jail... eeeks

4 days left of STRIVE
13 days until I move home
21 days until I move to CA
__ days until I have anything figured out

I'll miss

I'll miss being the only white person
At any bus stop at any given time during any day
I won't miss the occasional other white person
At nighttime who looks lost
And they'll probably get mugged

I'll miss living with people I care a lot about
I won't miss the feelings I feel from thinking about what I'll do
Without them

I'll miss being able to take an hour long train ride
And be around a ton of gay people
I won't miss the train ride back where
The cute twinky guys slowly become straight black guys

I'll miss yelling "DIBS" every time I see a cute guy
I won't miss never having the balls to say
"Hey"
When they pass

I'll miss the city
I won't miss the sirens
I'll miss you
I won't miss who you've become

I'm on to another adventure
Wish me luck

What You Don't Know

I'm moving away to get away from the memories
You're moving back to try to relive them
I'm trying to forget about everything
You're trying your hardest not to

We're in two completely different situations
I have no idea what you must be going through
But one thing I do know:

Moving home changes nothing
You're still the same person
The things that happened still happened
Your friends are all moving away from home

You'll never move again.

Haha

That's cute how you thought saying sorry would affect how I feel about the situation at all.

Dear Kimberlee,

I thought about you probably 50+ times today

That's more than I have in quite awhile.

I thought this was supposed to be getting easy but then I hear of some car accident or I see an old picture or I read our conversations we had on facebook over and over and over again until I get so confused about how close we really were.

Can you read this? If you can I would like to say, I wish I could have known you even better. I'll regret that until the day I die.

I lie in a field to feel the breeze
I walk through the woods to make believe
I clmb a hill, trying to get a little closer
To heaven
To see you
One
Last
Time

I never meant to say i'll miss you.
I'm choosing to forget to say goodbye.
Tell me sorry sometime
I'll answer with a question:
Why?

So...

If Myspace is anything like real life,

was I really you're 3rd best friend?

Well... These Dominos Breadsticks were a mediocre substitute for toppers. Ugh.
The JME BOOM

July 20 2010

I just shaved my beard. It looks obnoxious.
I just ordered 8 cheesy breadsticks from Dominos.
The delivery charge was almost as much as the breadsticks themselves.
This blog is becoming facebook for me.
For some reason, I feel like it's okay to have poor grammar on here.

I'm starting to get mildly excited for Humboldt

And that's that.

I'm sitting on my bed texting this entry instead of writing it. This is what my life is like...

bloom

I deleted my other facebook. I now have zero. Thank God. I now can try to participate in life. Seriously. In real life. But now... this fucking blog has become my life.

Wtf

Something's happenin' somewhere, Baby. I just know there is

So... tonight, I decided I HAVE to eventually delete my other Facebook. I created a second one like 2 years ago for only my "best friends" it started out with like 70 people. Now it's down to 32. That's a pretty good number. However, I've come to the conclusion that it has become my new addiction. I even started going on the fucking Farmville from that account. Obnoxious. Absolutely effing obnoxious. So anyway. My next goals: Quit: News. Blog.

Basically I check the news at least 4 or 5 times a day. It's not good. As if anything happens during that time period. And lately I've been going on here a lot too. I'm starting to think since this is more of my diary though instead of a blog that it's okay because who even reads this?

I'm in frckn' Chicago, going online all day long. I can do that anyway -- I can't do Chicago things anywhere else, and it's taken until I have 2 weeks left to realize that. I've also put my "need" for an iPhone/smartphone on hold, since the only reason I actually wanted one was to go online all day long. The people I know and care about have my phone number. They can call. We can meet up. Facebook isn't needed for that.

Although Facebook makes it super easy to keep in contact with friends you couldn't otherwise keep in contact with, it's almost like that's all I'm doing -- or I'm talking to my roommates on Facebook during the periods of time when we aren't together. Facebook could have been a great idea if you actually stayed with your 30 or so actualy friends and not 450+ friends you don't care about.

It's whatever. I want to say I'll stay off forever, but I'll probably be back on by next week. The main concern I have is I've sort of stoped participating in life. I'm not going outside of the house for longs amounts of time. I'm writing on this fucking blog instead of reading a book. I'm bored. I need to get out and do something...

I'll let you (Crystal since I think you're the only one that reads this) know what my final verdict is

Right Now

In a couple months.
I'll write down everyone
I'm still talking to
From every place
I've ever been.

I hope you're one of them

Come on baby, give me one last look.

Sometimes
I think about not going to sleep for months at a time
Sometimes
I think about all of the things I could accomplish
If I didn't do ____
Fill in the blank.

Sometimes I want
Specific people
To read this blog

When I know most of those people
Are probably unaware it exists.

I'm really trying to not go to sleep tonight
There's so much I could be doing

Sometimes
I turn on my fan too high
So paper and wrappers
From junk food
Blow around in my room
And I have to turn up my speakers
On my computer
Just to over-play a cover of a Bruce Springsteen song

Too loud

So they pop, making my need
For a new computer grow
More than it should

Computers.
Gah.

I just.
Don't.
Want to leave Chicago.
It's not even like this is the best place there is
It's not as if I could see myself
Living here
Forever
It's just it'd be so nice
To stay put for a little while.

Sometimes
Over a period of 16 hours or so
I listen to a song 73 times in a row.
Like
I just did.
And by the time I finish this letter
... at 1 or so
Hopefully it'll be closer to 90

And then I can say
In less than 24 hours
I listened to a song 90 times

I should write that somewhere
Somewhere on my bedroom wall
In cheap lipstick
So it would be
Nearly impossible to remove

Sometimes I miss old parts of my life
Old places I used to hang out
Old people I'll never see again
and I don't know what to do

Sometimes
I pretend I've got it all figured out
I say where I'm from
I say where I'm at
I say where I'm going
And then I don't say anything else
And people eat that shit up
They believe it.

Sometimes I realize
The stuff I write on here
Is probably a little too personal
And if the people that I wish would read it
Actually did read it
They might be a little offended

Or confused

Sometimes
I don't let myself get close enough to people
Because I hate saying goodbye
Because I deleted my Facebook
So now
Goodbye
Might really mean forever.

"I am nothing but tired
I'm just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby
I could use just a little help
You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a
Spark"

Sometimes
I care about the wrong people
I talk to the wrong people
I don't say the right things

I write dumb poems on a blog no one reads

And somehow
Some one is telling me
It'll all be okay
Hey, I got done at 12:50
10 minutes early
But I only listened to the song
81 times

So for now,
My walls stay white.
We'll see each other before you know it

blah catz

so... my time in Chicago is almost up. Goals I made for my summer mostly never came true. Things I wanted to see, I didn't get to. People I was positive I would hang out with -- I didn't. And we keep moving on.

I somehow find a way to make saying goodbye as hard as possible.


F this

huh...

So, as I'm sitting here at 1:11 a.m. with work in the morning I can't stop thinking about life basically. God, this sounds like I'm high -- but let's be honest, no one reads this so I'm not 100% sure why I write this stuff... but I do.

So anyway, the main point of focus is friendships and everything surrounding them. Basically I have no idea how I feel about any friendship I ever made. When I lived in Maryland I didn't make a ton of friends -- but I definitely made some. I've lost contact with every single one of them. Even before that -- when I was on national boards of the UCC I've stopped talking to almost all of my friends from there. Yes, I will admit, I am horrible at keeping in contact. I forget to call, I just don't want to call -- I make new plans, meet new people. Experience life.

So all of my friends from Maryland have virtually disappeared. -- The next step to life after Maryland was Oshkosh. Now, it was definitely not as easy as I would have hoped to make friends in Oshkosh, but I eventually did. Some good friends. Some great friends. People I would consider my best friends. And yet, I have a feeling. A feeling that's more of a fact. Eventually, I will lose contact with them too. I'll suck at staying in touch. I'll move to a new city. I'll change.

My next adventure was Chicago. I can't say I've made a ton of friends but my two best friends here by far are my roommates. They're two of the coolest people I've met. But like every other fucking place I've ever gone to in my entire life -- I know eventually we'll stop talking.

I don't want to stop talking. I can tell them this and we can try to keep in contact as much as possible -- but I know. I know. That it will eventually end.

Friends I made in high school, the ONLY people I ever hung out with senior year, are also fading away. My friend Kim died, and although she wasn't my best friend -- I can say she was definitely a friend. She was a person I lost contact with. We still talked every once in awhile but I moved to Maryland and BAM the relationship stopped being as close. My best friends are changing. We're all moving. Moving in different directions and different places geographically as well. The people I do consider to be my very best friends are really the only people that I even try a little bit to stay in contact.

My next adventure is Arcata, California. Humboldt State University. I know the same exact thing will happen. The. Exact. Same. Thing. I'll make friends. I'll meet some of the coolest people I've ever met. I'll fall in love with these people. I'll want to stay friends forever. But like everyone I've ever met, eventually -- they'll be gone.

Now my number one problem is I suck at continuing conversation with people. But I honestly believe that in every single friendship I've ever made, I've always needed them more than they've needed me. All of my friends have had other friends to hang out with. Other people to do stuff with. I, on the other have, almost always only have them, making the relationship short and me to move on to the next person or group of people.

When Chicago finishes up, my roommates are both moving back to their schools, and they cannot wait. I'm not that excited. I'm not even that excited at all. Once I get to CA it might be a different story. But as for right now, they can't wait to get back together with their friends. Like every other friend I've ever made, I need them more than they need me.

It's depressing to a certain extent but like I always do, I'll meet new people. Become their friends. Make friends with their friends. Move. Lose the friendship.

I'm good at making friends. I suck at keeping them. I have a really hard time. Ever. Having. A. Really. Long. Awesome. Relationship. With. Nearly. Anyone...

People mean a lot to me. But I sort of feel that there is a very select few people that I mean a lot too. That sounds emo as hell, but it's honestly true. Can everyone really be that great at having a large group of friends? I for one, am not.

Dear Kim,

I miss you

A photo. A note.

I thought I was doing good.
I thought I was doing great.
I was perfect

I tagged you in a note
...A few months ago.
-- Almost a year.

It asked me what I would do
If you died.

Did you ever read that note?

Part of me hopes you ignored it
Another part of me hopes you did
So you would know how I feel

I started the answer with
"What kind of question is that?"
I could have just deleted that question
I could have rewritten it
To make it ask something normal

But I didn't

I continued with
"I'd be sad"
And what I meant was "horrified".
I finished with
A stupid
Frown face
And "No more movie nights"

Did you ever read that note?
I kind of hope you did.

I cleaned part of my room today
I cleared things off my desk
-- Things I completely forgot about

A James Dean calender
...A couple of gay rights buttons
A photo of us.

It was of that day we all
Went to Powers Bluff
I remember we had a lot
Of fun.
We were freezing
I bought hot chocolate

But I don't remember a single thing
You said.
I should have brought a pen and paper
To write every word down.

But I didn't

I thought I was doing good.
I thought I was doing great.
I was doing perfect.

And then I read that note.
And then I saw that photo.

I'll always miss you, Kim