my cousin is coming to visit
tomorrow
i feel like i'm seven again
that's how excited i am
to see her
cannot
wait

Someday...

Someday
I want a bookshelf
Maybe in my bedroom
Filled entirely
With female black authors.

Maybe a couple of bookshelves.
One might be in the kitchen.
Maybe there will be a whole library.
The wall paper
Will be a field of purple flowers
And the quote
"I think it pisses God off
When you walk by the colour purple in a field
And don't notice it."
Will be in the center

The authors that will
Fill these book shelves will be:
Maya Angelou,
the only nameable poet to the average American,
Toni Morrison,
the last American to win the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1993,
Alice Walker,
who coined the term "womanist" and
Lorraine Hansberry,
the first black woman to have a play produced on Broadway.
They'll be the majority of my collection.

But surely they will not be the only ones.
I'll have multiple copies of "The Color Purple".
Every edition that has ever been printed.
Alice Walker will probably get her own shelf.

Maybe I'll label it "Alice's Art"
Or something cute like that.
There'll be a few purple flowers by it.
That book shelf will be covered in them.
No one can have too many purple flowers

Maybe people will glace at it
And wonder "Why are all of these authors
Black
Women?"

I won't answer right away
After awhile I'll say
"They're the only authors I like"
Which is kind of true.
They have written my favorite books.
But more importantly
They've overcome oppression.
Opression
That most people today
Haven't had to overcome.

They're black.
And.
They're women.
They're all feminists.
They're womanists.

They make me continue to write.

The first black woman at anything is amazing.
But the first black woman author at something
Is an even greater achievement.
Oprah is hardly black.
Hallie Berry, see how I described Oprah.
Obama = Oprah

If Michelle Obama would have won
Instead of Barack Obama,
I'd consider the election more impressive.

This bookshelf will explain my life.

Best Lindsay Lohan tweet of all time.

the only "bookings" that i'm familiar with are Disney Films, never thought that i'd be "booking" into Jail... eeeks

4 days left of STRIVE
13 days until I move home
21 days until I move to CA
__ days until I have anything figured out

I'll miss

I'll miss being the only white person
At any bus stop at any given time during any day
I won't miss the occasional other white person
At nighttime who looks lost
And they'll probably get mugged

I'll miss living with people I care a lot about
I won't miss the feelings I feel from thinking about what I'll do
Without them

I'll miss being able to take an hour long train ride
And be around a ton of gay people
I won't miss the train ride back where
The cute twinky guys slowly become straight black guys

I'll miss yelling "DIBS" every time I see a cute guy
I won't miss never having the balls to say
"Hey"
When they pass

I'll miss the city
I won't miss the sirens
I'll miss you
I won't miss who you've become

I'm on to another adventure
Wish me luck

What You Don't Know

I'm moving away to get away from the memories
You're moving back to try to relive them
I'm trying to forget about everything
You're trying your hardest not to

We're in two completely different situations
I have no idea what you must be going through
But one thing I do know:

Moving home changes nothing
You're still the same person
The things that happened still happened
Your friends are all moving away from home

You'll never move again.

Haha

That's cute how you thought saying sorry would affect how I feel about the situation at all.

Dear Kimberlee,

I thought about you probably 50+ times today

That's more than I have in quite awhile.

I thought this was supposed to be getting easy but then I hear of some car accident or I see an old picture or I read our conversations we had on facebook over and over and over again until I get so confused about how close we really were.

Can you read this? If you can I would like to say, I wish I could have known you even better. I'll regret that until the day I die.

I lie in a field to feel the breeze
I walk through the woods to make believe
I clmb a hill, trying to get a little closer
To heaven
To see you
One
Last
Time

I never meant to say i'll miss you.
I'm choosing to forget to say goodbye.
Tell me sorry sometime
I'll answer with a question:
Why?

So...

If Myspace is anything like real life,

was I really you're 3rd best friend?

Well... These Dominos Breadsticks were a mediocre substitute for toppers. Ugh.
The JME BOOM

July 20 2010

I just shaved my beard. It looks obnoxious.
I just ordered 8 cheesy breadsticks from Dominos.
The delivery charge was almost as much as the breadsticks themselves.
This blog is becoming facebook for me.
For some reason, I feel like it's okay to have poor grammar on here.

I'm starting to get mildly excited for Humboldt

And that's that.

I'm sitting on my bed texting this entry instead of writing it. This is what my life is like...

bloom

I deleted my other facebook. I now have zero. Thank God. I now can try to participate in life. Seriously. In real life. But now... this fucking blog has become my life.

Wtf

Something's happenin' somewhere, Baby. I just know there is

So... tonight, I decided I HAVE to eventually delete my other Facebook. I created a second one like 2 years ago for only my "best friends" it started out with like 70 people. Now it's down to 32. That's a pretty good number. However, I've come to the conclusion that it has become my new addiction. I even started going on the fucking Farmville from that account. Obnoxious. Absolutely effing obnoxious. So anyway. My next goals: Quit: News. Blog.

Basically I check the news at least 4 or 5 times a day. It's not good. As if anything happens during that time period. And lately I've been going on here a lot too. I'm starting to think since this is more of my diary though instead of a blog that it's okay because who even reads this?

I'm in frckn' Chicago, going online all day long. I can do that anyway -- I can't do Chicago things anywhere else, and it's taken until I have 2 weeks left to realize that. I've also put my "need" for an iPhone/smartphone on hold, since the only reason I actually wanted one was to go online all day long. The people I know and care about have my phone number. They can call. We can meet up. Facebook isn't needed for that.

Although Facebook makes it super easy to keep in contact with friends you couldn't otherwise keep in contact with, it's almost like that's all I'm doing -- or I'm talking to my roommates on Facebook during the periods of time when we aren't together. Facebook could have been a great idea if you actually stayed with your 30 or so actualy friends and not 450+ friends you don't care about.

It's whatever. I want to say I'll stay off forever, but I'll probably be back on by next week. The main concern I have is I've sort of stoped participating in life. I'm not going outside of the house for longs amounts of time. I'm writing on this fucking blog instead of reading a book. I'm bored. I need to get out and do something...

I'll let you (Crystal since I think you're the only one that reads this) know what my final verdict is

Right Now

In a couple months.
I'll write down everyone
I'm still talking to
From every place
I've ever been.

I hope you're one of them

Come on baby, give me one last look.

Sometimes
I think about not going to sleep for months at a time
Sometimes
I think about all of the things I could accomplish
If I didn't do ____
Fill in the blank.

Sometimes I want
Specific people
To read this blog

When I know most of those people
Are probably unaware it exists.

I'm really trying to not go to sleep tonight
There's so much I could be doing

Sometimes
I turn on my fan too high
So paper and wrappers
From junk food
Blow around in my room
And I have to turn up my speakers
On my computer
Just to over-play a cover of a Bruce Springsteen song

Too loud

So they pop, making my need
For a new computer grow
More than it should

Computers.
Gah.

I just.
Don't.
Want to leave Chicago.
It's not even like this is the best place there is
It's not as if I could see myself
Living here
Forever
It's just it'd be so nice
To stay put for a little while.

Sometimes
Over a period of 16 hours or so
I listen to a song 73 times in a row.
Like
I just did.
And by the time I finish this letter
... at 1 or so
Hopefully it'll be closer to 90

And then I can say
In less than 24 hours
I listened to a song 90 times

I should write that somewhere
Somewhere on my bedroom wall
In cheap lipstick
So it would be
Nearly impossible to remove

Sometimes I miss old parts of my life
Old places I used to hang out
Old people I'll never see again
and I don't know what to do

Sometimes
I pretend I've got it all figured out
I say where I'm from
I say where I'm at
I say where I'm going
And then I don't say anything else
And people eat that shit up
They believe it.

Sometimes I realize
The stuff I write on here
Is probably a little too personal
And if the people that I wish would read it
Actually did read it
They might be a little offended

Or confused

Sometimes
I don't let myself get close enough to people
Because I hate saying goodbye
Because I deleted my Facebook
So now
Goodbye
Might really mean forever.

"I am nothing but tired
I'm just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby
I could use just a little help
You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a
Spark"

Sometimes
I care about the wrong people
I talk to the wrong people
I don't say the right things

I write dumb poems on a blog no one reads

And somehow
Some one is telling me
It'll all be okay
Hey, I got done at 12:50
10 minutes early
But I only listened to the song
81 times

So for now,
My walls stay white.
We'll see each other before you know it

blah catz

so... my time in Chicago is almost up. Goals I made for my summer mostly never came true. Things I wanted to see, I didn't get to. People I was positive I would hang out with -- I didn't. And we keep moving on.

I somehow find a way to make saying goodbye as hard as possible.


F this

huh...

So, as I'm sitting here at 1:11 a.m. with work in the morning I can't stop thinking about life basically. God, this sounds like I'm high -- but let's be honest, no one reads this so I'm not 100% sure why I write this stuff... but I do.

So anyway, the main point of focus is friendships and everything surrounding them. Basically I have no idea how I feel about any friendship I ever made. When I lived in Maryland I didn't make a ton of friends -- but I definitely made some. I've lost contact with every single one of them. Even before that -- when I was on national boards of the UCC I've stopped talking to almost all of my friends from there. Yes, I will admit, I am horrible at keeping in contact. I forget to call, I just don't want to call -- I make new plans, meet new people. Experience life.

So all of my friends from Maryland have virtually disappeared. -- The next step to life after Maryland was Oshkosh. Now, it was definitely not as easy as I would have hoped to make friends in Oshkosh, but I eventually did. Some good friends. Some great friends. People I would consider my best friends. And yet, I have a feeling. A feeling that's more of a fact. Eventually, I will lose contact with them too. I'll suck at staying in touch. I'll move to a new city. I'll change.

My next adventure was Chicago. I can't say I've made a ton of friends but my two best friends here by far are my roommates. They're two of the coolest people I've met. But like every other fucking place I've ever gone to in my entire life -- I know eventually we'll stop talking.

I don't want to stop talking. I can tell them this and we can try to keep in contact as much as possible -- but I know. I know. That it will eventually end.

Friends I made in high school, the ONLY people I ever hung out with senior year, are also fading away. My friend Kim died, and although she wasn't my best friend -- I can say she was definitely a friend. She was a person I lost contact with. We still talked every once in awhile but I moved to Maryland and BAM the relationship stopped being as close. My best friends are changing. We're all moving. Moving in different directions and different places geographically as well. The people I do consider to be my very best friends are really the only people that I even try a little bit to stay in contact.

My next adventure is Arcata, California. Humboldt State University. I know the same exact thing will happen. The. Exact. Same. Thing. I'll make friends. I'll meet some of the coolest people I've ever met. I'll fall in love with these people. I'll want to stay friends forever. But like everyone I've ever met, eventually -- they'll be gone.

Now my number one problem is I suck at continuing conversation with people. But I honestly believe that in every single friendship I've ever made, I've always needed them more than they've needed me. All of my friends have had other friends to hang out with. Other people to do stuff with. I, on the other have, almost always only have them, making the relationship short and me to move on to the next person or group of people.

When Chicago finishes up, my roommates are both moving back to their schools, and they cannot wait. I'm not that excited. I'm not even that excited at all. Once I get to CA it might be a different story. But as for right now, they can't wait to get back together with their friends. Like every other friend I've ever made, I need them more than they need me.

It's depressing to a certain extent but like I always do, I'll meet new people. Become their friends. Make friends with their friends. Move. Lose the friendship.

I'm good at making friends. I suck at keeping them. I have a really hard time. Ever. Having. A. Really. Long. Awesome. Relationship. With. Nearly. Anyone...

People mean a lot to me. But I sort of feel that there is a very select few people that I mean a lot too. That sounds emo as hell, but it's honestly true. Can everyone really be that great at having a large group of friends? I for one, am not.