huh...

So, as I'm sitting here at 1:11 a.m. with work in the morning I can't stop thinking about life basically. God, this sounds like I'm high -- but let's be honest, no one reads this so I'm not 100% sure why I write this stuff... but I do.

So anyway, the main point of focus is friendships and everything surrounding them. Basically I have no idea how I feel about any friendship I ever made. When I lived in Maryland I didn't make a ton of friends -- but I definitely made some. I've lost contact with every single one of them. Even before that -- when I was on national boards of the UCC I've stopped talking to almost all of my friends from there. Yes, I will admit, I am horrible at keeping in contact. I forget to call, I just don't want to call -- I make new plans, meet new people. Experience life.

So all of my friends from Maryland have virtually disappeared. -- The next step to life after Maryland was Oshkosh. Now, it was definitely not as easy as I would have hoped to make friends in Oshkosh, but I eventually did. Some good friends. Some great friends. People I would consider my best friends. And yet, I have a feeling. A feeling that's more of a fact. Eventually, I will lose contact with them too. I'll suck at staying in touch. I'll move to a new city. I'll change.

My next adventure was Chicago. I can't say I've made a ton of friends but my two best friends here by far are my roommates. They're two of the coolest people I've met. But like every other fucking place I've ever gone to in my entire life -- I know eventually we'll stop talking.

I don't want to stop talking. I can tell them this and we can try to keep in contact as much as possible -- but I know. I know. That it will eventually end.

Friends I made in high school, the ONLY people I ever hung out with senior year, are also fading away. My friend Kim died, and although she wasn't my best friend -- I can say she was definitely a friend. She was a person I lost contact with. We still talked every once in awhile but I moved to Maryland and BAM the relationship stopped being as close. My best friends are changing. We're all moving. Moving in different directions and different places geographically as well. The people I do consider to be my very best friends are really the only people that I even try a little bit to stay in contact.

My next adventure is Arcata, California. Humboldt State University. I know the same exact thing will happen. The. Exact. Same. Thing. I'll make friends. I'll meet some of the coolest people I've ever met. I'll fall in love with these people. I'll want to stay friends forever. But like everyone I've ever met, eventually -- they'll be gone.

Now my number one problem is I suck at continuing conversation with people. But I honestly believe that in every single friendship I've ever made, I've always needed them more than they've needed me. All of my friends have had other friends to hang out with. Other people to do stuff with. I, on the other have, almost always only have them, making the relationship short and me to move on to the next person or group of people.

When Chicago finishes up, my roommates are both moving back to their schools, and they cannot wait. I'm not that excited. I'm not even that excited at all. Once I get to CA it might be a different story. But as for right now, they can't wait to get back together with their friends. Like every other friend I've ever made, I need them more than they need me.

It's depressing to a certain extent but like I always do, I'll meet new people. Become their friends. Make friends with their friends. Move. Lose the friendship.

I'm good at making friends. I suck at keeping them. I have a really hard time. Ever. Having. A. Really. Long. Awesome. Relationship. With. Nearly. Anyone...

People mean a lot to me. But I sort of feel that there is a very select few people that I mean a lot too. That sounds emo as hell, but it's honestly true. Can everyone really be that great at having a large group of friends? I for one, am not.