i hope

she's beautiful
and when she's 13
she comes out to the family
at thanksgiving
and i'll be there
and i'll give her a hug
and i'll tell her i love her
and i'll laugh at the shocked look
on everyone's faces
and you'll finally have to admit
i'm no different from you
and you'll finally have to admit
you're wrong
and eventually
you'll have to accept it
and
maybe
someday
she'll have a son
and
someday
he'll grow up
and
he'll
look just like
you

and maybe
just maybe
i'll start to talk to you again
at her son's graduation
i'll tell him congrats
and then i'll walk over to you
by the punch bowl
and i'll say
i'm sorry
that i let our entire lives slip by
without ever
letting you into mine

Tonight did nothing good for me

That's about
As simple as I can put it

<3

I knew you'd never understand. Not sure why I even bothered

I let myself

become addicted to things too easily

I pick up bad habits too quickly
I have a problem quitting anything I know I should

I think my subconscious mind likes it
I think my subconscious mind
Thinks it makes me more interesting

Maybe it's not subconscious at all

I know when I take things too far
I know when I should stop

But a part of me won't let me
A part of me
Likes going down the wrong path

Likes doing things
I know I shouldn't

Likes skipping class
And sleeping through life
And listening to the same song
40-60 times in a row

Or watching the same episode of Glee
Countless times

Why do I think that's okay?

I become obsessed with things
So quickly
I see something I like
And I obsess over it
I think about it all the time
Until I get sick of it

Like a Glee song I never want to hear again
I've listened to it too many times
I've watched the episode the song is in
Too many times

Where it's not even enjoyable anymore

I think I want someone else's life
Not that mine is that bad

But I just see a TV show
And love some character's life
So much
I just want to be them

Or I want to be the actor
So I read everything I can about that person
And I fall in love
With someone I don't know
Or probably have anything in common with

It's sick really

It's a disgusting habit
Maybe that's a personality trait
Rather than a habit

I'm going to try to go
This whole week
Without doing something retarded
My roommate thinks its a great idea
He said "Yeah, definitely
Let's go to all of our classes this week"

But I know
Neither of us will last

I'll be in the bathroom
Something will remind me of it
Or I'll see something

And I'll call my roommate
And he'll come over
And we'll break our week
Of not being retarded

I don't have any temporary goals for myself
I don't have anything I've set for myself

I just realized
This is a horribly depressing blog post
That I don't really want anyone to read
But it needs to be public
Someone needs to know
I've starting doing nothing with my life

I told someone yesterday
About you
And she kind of freaked out
She hit me
And asked me how stupid am I

I was a little taken aback
"Is that weird?" I asked
And she said
"Ummm... yeah
If someone only calls you
From pay phones
I think that's a sign
That it's not okay"

I tried to defend you
I tried to think of the last excuse you told me
So I could say it to her
And she what she would say

We stopped making sense after that
She had a few glasses of wine
I had a few of something else
We did the most retarded things ever

She drove a car
And I'm not sure which one of us thought that was
Acceptable
At all

But she did

I didn't stop eating
Junk food

I haven't eaten a real meal
A full meal
The amount of food
A 19 year old should in a day
In probably
20 days or so

I eat ice cream
And soda
And candy
Everyday

Why the fuck
Did that become my diet?

I need to get out
Before I sink in
I need to stop
Before I can't anymore

I need to go home
Get my life together
Do something
Meet someone
Get a job
Make normal friends

Eat everyday
Quit watching Glee

I've never thought of that
What the fuck would I do without Glee?
I base every week off of it

I stay up until 3am on Tuesdays
Waiting for someone to put it online

And then I watch it
Everyday
Or listen to the songs on that episode
Dozens of times
What
The
Fuck

I can't even think about it
That seriously makes me depressed

Something needs to change
I'll let you know what it is
Once I figure it out
........................

This is my 100th post

What have I written about 100 times? Seems pretty crazy that I started this 100 entries ago, and haven't really said anything this entire time. I don't know what to do anymore. It's 1a.m. and I have no reason to go to bed. Like, I have class at noon. I woke up at 3 o'clock in the afternoon

I've done that probably 3 or 4 times since moving to Humboldt. I never take a nap during the week ever, and then Saturday comes around and I fucking sleep until 2 or 3 or 4 in the afternoon. I've never done that before. Wtf is wrong with me?

I think I need to move back to WI just so I can fucking not be the laziest human being alive. Yes, I'll probably sit in my room and stare at the computer screen looking at Facebook and reading the news. Over and over and over again.

But at least then, I'll -- I don't even fucking know. Why is it better to do nothing there than it is to do nothing here? Like, WTF. The more I think about it the more confusing it is. I literally do nothing at all, all day long. I don't fucking get it. I don't get who I've become. I don't get why I do anything that I do out here.

I'm wasting time. I'm waiting for something. I'm waiting for something to happen to make me change my life and get the fucking picture. Like, once I graduate and I get a job, will I still be doing nothing? Will I still be the same fucking weird person that sits in the same chair everyday and doesn't do anything? I just don't understand.

What do I think I'm doing with my life? Because it's not much of anything. I'm affecting no one's life as I sit here. I'm not contributing in any way to society. I'm not participating in life. I'm spending time on Facebook hoping someone has messaged me or written on my wall.

Or I go on here and write something stupid. Or read Google News to stay updated...for whatever reason.

I don't write any papers that I know are due. I don't read at all -- even though I should.

I fucking do. Absolutely. Nothing.

What's wrong with me?

Basically.

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough...

To put it simply, I'm wasting my life away in this yellow chair in this tiny room on this orange computer for days at a time. I need to do something

I want to be special

I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want to be special
So very special

BOOMboomBOOmboom

I feel like I should write something
Even though I've got nothing to write
Nothing at all
Nothing at all
Nothing at all
Nothing at
Nothing at
Nothing at all
Nothing at
Nothing at all
Nothing at
Nothing at all
Nothing at
Nothing
Nothing at
Nothing at all
Nothing at
Nothing
Nothin
Nothi
Noth
Not
No
N

Nothing at all

Well

something thats weird about me

the only compliments
that i
ever
believe

are from
complete strangers
that i meet one time
sometimes
i will never even meet them

i dont know why


thats just me

I want to

find some guy that can make me blush