I started saying "Dude"

I started saying "Dude"
And "man" after
Or before
Or in the middle
Of every sentence

And every other person
That came here from a different state
Or a different part of California
All did too

I say it as often as I say "like"
...which is too often
And I've increased my swearing
By 100%

Words I didn't
And never will pick up:
Narley
Hella
Dank
"Hella as shit, man"

Typical conversation

Kyler: Dude, I think raisins might be my favorite thing ever.
Me: Shut the fuck up, man
Kyler: No, I'm fucking serious. Like, out of any category... it's always raisins.
Me: Dude, what's your favorite TV show? Raisins?
Kyler: Well no.. just like nothing even compares to them

3 Hours later through text messages

Me: Dude, I'm about to eat four granola bars. The fucking Jolly Giant closed at 7
Kyler: Go for it dude
Me:... I just ate fucking four granola bars. I think granola bars might be better than raisins
Kyler: Fuck that, man. Raisins are fucking tight as hell.
Me: Fuck that, dude.

An hour later... Kyler wakes me up at 2am

Kyler: DUDE, everyone at this party wants you to come
Me: Shut the fuck up, man
Kyler: Not joking like 10 people asked where you were
Me: 10 people don't know me, how many actually asked
Kyler: Two...
Me: Were they both girls?
Kyler: Yeah, man
Me: Dude, fuck you. Gross.

Did the tiger in Alladin ever bite?

I kinda hope so...

I hid in a bathroom for an hour last night.
I forgot about you for an hour last night.
I didn't talk about you.
I had to stay silent
For an hour
Last night

Likes and Dislkes

*Likes and Dislikes*

Favorite Female Artist (Straight): Britney
Favorite Female Artist (Bi): Lady G
Favorite Female Artist (Gay): Tracy Chapman

Favorite Band: Tegan and Sara

Favorite Female Black Author: Maya Angelou, Toni Morrison, Alice Walker, Lorraine Hansberry (tie)

Favorite Books: The Color Purple, The Great Gatsby, Hanging on to Max, The Legacy of Luna, Autobiography of a Face

Favorite Overrated Series: Harry Potter

Favorite TV Shows: Glee, Crappy Reality Shows on MTV (Minus Jersey Shore), The United States of Tara

Favorite Movies: Alice in Wonderland (new), Brokeback, Never Been Kissed, The Bubble, Titanic, Milk

Favorite Actress (OF ALL TIME): Drew Barrymore
Favorite Actor: James Franco/Brad Pitt (Kind of the same person)

Music I HATE: Michael Jackson, Frank Sinatra, Bob Marley

Music That's Probably Good (But I listened to it too often as a child): The Beatles, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Favorite City (Less than a Million): DC
Favorite City (Over A million): Chicago

Favorite Animal: WOLVES (competes for a spot in my heart next to Drew Barrymore), Sea Turtles

Favorite Person: Niece/Nephews (tie.. obv)

Favorite Food: Pizza

Prettiest Place in the US That I Would Never Move to: Charleston, South Carolina

Prettiest Place I Might Move to when I'm 50: The North Woods of WI

Most Overrated Things: (see music I hate), School dances, Alcohol, vanilla pudding, meat

Most Underrated Things: Vegan Chocolate, Tofu, Cover bands from Youtube, Everything related to my "Favorite Actors" section, Baraboo WI

The 6 People I would Literally DIE to meet: 1) Drew Barrymore 2) James Franco 3) Lady Gaga 4) Justin Bieber/Alice Walker (They bring up similar emotions for me) 5) Michelle Obama

Countries I've Thought About Moving To: Israel, Iceland, Canada, Mexico, Australia, Sweden, Denmark

Things I Can't Live Without: My Wallet and Cellphone

Things I hate: When people don't know how to type correctly, people who don't think men and women should be 100% equal, when people are afraid of women in power, Middle-Eastern Islam because of their horrendous treatment of women -- it literally reminds me of the Nazis, people who they can sing -- when they can't, when my secret bands become famous, actually sort of loving the movie Avatar-- that's actually more embarrassing than anything else, Circuses, Animals put in small cages for human entertainment, Small children getting hurt, Atheists (they're just annoying really), Learning about cars, Regretting not talking to that one friend more often before you could never talk to them again, Car alarms, When people make fun of one of your best friends, moving every 6 months

Things I love: People overcoming adversity, my Native American Studies class, When people say "Native" instead of "Indian", when people say "Black" instead of "African-American", Quilting, Acoustic music, Small parties with my best friends, Finding somewhere where you're truly comfortable, Learning a new language (although I haven't really), when people get super attractive just from a haircut, the name Natalie, Listening to Tracy Chapman for hours on end, Writing on my blog, Eating Toppers, Eating Culvers, Eating OREOS, When I pick up someone's mannerisms from hanging out with them too often, When you pray about something and it works out, re-watching old episodes of glee

That pretty much sums me up :)

I over-analyze absolutly ever situation imaginable. This is always happening to me.

I've been thinking about you...

I've been thinking about you a lot again. Which sucks, sense I'm trying to enjoy myself in California. I've got to meet someone who isn't you. Thanks for the occasional phone call. Thanks for going to rehab for the 5th time... we all know it won't work but it's cool you're using your tribes money to try to convince yourself you're not wasting away your life... even though they somehow own 30 million dollars to Wisconsin. I honestly do miss you. I miss when we used to hang out -- when you didn't call me at awkward times. When I didn't have to drop everything to answer the phone because I never know when or if you'd ever call again. I hope treatment is doing something for you this time. It seems like South Dakota really should have fixed it all. They were everything you needed. It was suppose to work. Weren't you there for three months or something? I think you missed Thanksgiving and Christmas. You wrote me a letter. You said you were doing awesome. I don't want to date you for your life to get better. I want your life to get better because you finally learn from your mistakes. I check out circuit court every once in awhile. I check to see how many warrants are out for your arrest. The ones you "forgot" to mention to me. Like the felony that was dropped because your tribe made them drop it. That was cute. I'm taking a class this semester. I hope it teaches me about you and how you got the way you are. How we destroyed your culture and continue to destroy your people. I feel bad for what happened but why can't you just get the fuck with it and do something with your life.

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this letter to you. I know you'll never read it. You probably won't get to use a computer for a month. You told me you were going to be in treatment for a month, right? It was nice you said that, but I know you'll leave after 2 weeks because you're totally better. Or at least that's what you somehow convince yourself is the truth. Ugh. Don't come to California. Please don't. I know you're going to. I know you're going to find some weird ass way to get here. Stopping at every single state on the way to try some new drug you've never heard of before. Fuck that. This city is everything you don't need.

Call me, I guess. I'd like to hear what you think you'll do next. It's no use telling you the truth...

Dear everyone from any major airport in the state of Calornia, this has been the worst day of my life, love jared

Give me one reason to stay here
And I'll turn right back around

I don't want no one to sqeeze me
It might take away my life

I'm too old to chasing you around

Okay okay okay OKAY

So, here's the deal : I'll sit here. for however long you want me to sit here. So you can tell me what you want to tell me. I know how to write. I know how to read. I'll never know how to juggle 12 magic eight balls. But I'm okay with that. I'm okay never knowing most anything. My plans for my life are simple. Be happy. Meet a great guy. Get married. Adopt some kids. Watch them graduate. Watch them become somebody. Watch them live out my dream. I want to write. And so I will. I won't give up on that. No. Fucking. Way. At Humboldt, no one in the WORLD is going to be me. No one there knows anything about me -- and I'm okay with that. I mean, isn't that why I did this? So I could be normal someday? Okay so no one will know me and that means I'll never meet my husband. That's who I need to meet. Not some stupid boyfriend. I want him to be HIM. I can't fucking wait to see who it turns out to be. I want to write a book. I want to win awards with that book. That's what I'll do forever. Who will care about it? Oh, I know! NOBODY. God. No, but I really do. I think I should. I think I have a story that people need to know. It's important. It'll help someone survive. It will kill others. How can some memoirs tell their whole life story? Think about all the people I'm sure they hurt. When you write "I used to sleep with my highschool's quarterback" everyone in America is just reading that. But some guy. Somewhere. Who was that quarterback. His life is ruined. How do they do that? Obviously they have no facebook. Because you'd just be killed. And if you were that quarterback. I mean,

WTF would you do?

My books going to be about race relations, marriage. children. bombs. and then I fall aslepe Im going to sleeep in this chair like that.

That was embarassing. okay like the last time I wrote a journal entry like this, I emailed my friend Crystal and told her I was falling asleep. Well at that time my hand was falling asleep but now its my butt. I'm kind of sad to leave this story line so soon. But I must. I love you all. Each and everyone. All the time.

Let me put it to you this way...

Someday? I'm gonna be somebody.
I'm gonna do something.
I'm gonna say all those things
You told me you should have said
After that party
When everyone was leaving
And you asked me
If I wouldn't just
PLEASE
Stay for a minute.

I stayed.
For more than a minute.

Someday I'll be those things
You wished you could have become
I'll be than guy in the crowd
That some people know his name
But most have no idea who he is

Who he actually is
Fiesta. Nueva.

There's all this stuff
I could say to you the next time you'll call
That sucks that I will never me
That type of somebdy

That's just not me

"Dad I dont know what to pack"
"Start with the most important stuff in one suitcase and then the kind of important things in another and.... kitty in the last"

I move on Thursday
I leave Wisconsin in two days
I leave home in two days
I go on a

Tonight, I felt infinite.

Well... That'd'a been cool if I could have seen you before I leave, but you know...

The hardest part is letting go of the nights we shared...

These are my saved text message:

From Tony: 5/10/10 1:26 pm

Ja
ray
dough.. your a cool kid.. otherwise I wouldn't have stuck up for you yesterday

At the library the previous day, we were on the second level, which was the "quiet" area. I obviously laughed obnoxiously loud on accident and some bitch (let's be honest she had the right) said something really rude to me to be quiet and he totally told her off. No one's stuck up for me before

Sam Hofer: 5/15/10 3:57 pm

Okay... Shes gone jared... I cant believe it.... Theyre taking her off tonight so they can donate her organs....

I'm not 100% sure why I saved that text message. I read it probably every other day, trying to make myself believe the truth that Kim died but it's impossible for me to fully grasp.

Sam Hofer 5/15/10 4:19 pm

I know... I really want to be home... Were leaving in the morning...

That text came after I said I wish I could see her and something stupid because I couldn't think of anything else to say, like "it'll be okay".

Elle: 6/1/10 3:08 pm (will attach photo)

Yup, this would be the 'pimpin' key chain I stole from you in sixth grade. Found it in my cleaning frenzy. haha.

Pretty self explanatory.

Message from me to Crystal: 7/11/10 12:14 am

Yellow mell yell wetl they ase aeros 2dpoh 2dpoh being piano pillo shay pillo silly so that's dot not funny fun
The JME BOOM

Well... you see.... that wasn't a good night for me

Sam Hofer: 7/14/10 6:39 pm

Me too!! I havent been this happy in months! Its a beauiful day too! For the first time since kim passed, I feel like everything will be okay. :D Its amazing.

This was after Sam told me she was moving back to live with her parents for awhile and I said I was super excited for her. I think I had to save the most depress text message I ever recideved and the happiest one.

I'm not sure why I wrote all of these down, probably because my phone will eventually stop working and those texts will no longer exist. So i hope this is worth something...

I used to live alone before I knew you.

The feelings I feel toward you both
Are feelings I don't think I've ever felt before
If any of my best friends read this
They'll get pissed

But it's a different sort of friendship
Living with someone
Being around them 24/7
Working at the same place
Going out to eat at the same restaurants
Smoking the same hookah

Hearing the same gun shots

It's a friendship I've never had before
You're both closer than friends
A strange distance apart
From being family

It's unique to say the least.

We've all known each other
For only two months
But it feels like two years
Closer to two decades

You both helped me quit smoking
You made me quit smoking
You were with me
When I
Officially
Quit smoking

I don't know how to truly describe it
When one of you left you told me
You left a letter upstairs for me
But that you could never put in words
What our friendship actually was

And it was so true
There isn't really a word for it.

So tonight it was just me
And the other you
The other you who I became so close with
The other person
The third J.

I wouldn't say it ended well
It's like leaving a brother or sister
Or best friend
And not really knowing if you'll ever see each other
Again

Kind of planning not to see each other again

So I think our last few days,
Be that conscious or subconscious
We slowly drifted apart from each other.

I'll miss you both so much
I'll try to move on
Since we all live
About as far apart as possible

Because I know
I can't wait around
Until our friendship picks back up

I hope you don't forget about me
I'll try my hardest
To never forget about you.

Part of me thinks
It'd be kind of awkward
Going from being each other's only friends
To going out to eat together one day
Years later

What could we even talk about?
We'll have forgotten all of our inside jokes.
I swear
I made more inside jokes with you
Than any of my other friends.

Simply by doing the
Exact
Same
Thing
Together
Everyday

I definitely ate more freeze pops
Subway
Dominos
Chicago Style pizza
and Kool-aid than with anyone else

No one's lived on the South Side of Chicago with me before
No one's played "punch me if you see a white person"
And sat there for 20 minutes at a bus stop
Not being punched

I've never had FT with anyone

No one else
Have I gone to the Emergency Room with
At 12 a.m.
Not out of want
But because that's what you'd do for someone
You really care about

No one else
Have I lost a cat with
Or got lost so many times downtown
Of any city

Or got locked out of a house
Or told
Some of the things I told you

Or had such bizarre experiences
Or learned Ebonics
Or felt like dying from heat exhaustion

Or realized so clearly
I needed you
Quite a bit more than you needed me

No one else have I done
Basically anything we did.

I never had as deep of conversations
Lasting as long.

My best friends all
Agree with me
Our political and religious conversations
Last for about 5 minutes
After we come to the conclusion
That we all feel the same way

That's the end of that.

I really don't want to leave.
I don't want to leave this church
Or this city
I know I fell in love with it
Much more than you did

I simply don't want to leave
This sucks

We're leaving each other
Maybe forever

I think we'll all be a little
Culture shocked moving back
To our hometowns

I'm moving to another new place.
You aren't.
I have to re-make friends all over again.
You don't

You were both so easy
To talk to.
I didn't have to try.

Things will be different there.
Things will never be the same.

I'll miss you both
I hope you find this someday

Take it easy

Love,

___________

It's sooo close

The closer I get to leaving the place
The worse I feel

As the hour ticks by
My heart
Begins to slowly
Slowly
Drop

I'm already sad and I haven't even left yet
What could replace
Everything I've done here
Everywhere I've gone
Everything I've seen
Everyone I've met
Every bus ride taking me on a new adventure
...Nothing

Nothing can replace
Any of that.

How long will it be until I make it back here?
I'd like to say
"Not very long at all"
I'd like to say
"Maybe next weekend"

But in reality
It'll probably be a few years.
What do I need to come back here for?
It's merely a desire that
Doesn't need fulfilling

It's a problem
That doesn't need fixing.

It'd be nice
in an ideal world
To stay here
Or move here
Or to visit here
Forever.

However,
All good things must come to an end.

That might be
The hardest thing
I've ever had to accept.

I wring my hands when I think of you...

What's new in my life...

So here's the deal,

I just sent an extremely rude but to-the-point email to Humboldt Housing because next year (in total) it will cost around $30,000 and last year all together cost around $12,000. The whole point of doing this National Student Exchange was so it'd be the same price. So I don't know what the fuck to do. I emailed about switching my meal plan and apartment situation to make it a few thousand dollars cheaper, and all I got was an automated email about how my payment is due on the 10th. So that really pissed me off and I sent an email back about how apparently the email got to the wrong person and how I thought it was extremely rude and unprofessional to not even respond to the last email. I also said I might not get to go to Humboldt if they don't fucking (left that part out) email me back in time.

I'll probably regret sending that email in the morning but I dunno what to do. You'd think they would be more helpful. How the hell can college cost that much there? Like, honestly, who has that money? I don't understand it at all. I'm thinking about going there for 1 semester instead of the entire year since I clearly don't have that much money and feel like I'm a huge burden on my parents, because if I wasn't I would be able to go to whatever school I chose to go to.

This whole situatin is really pissing me off. I just want to become a flight attendent and travel the world. I might actually like that. A lady at church was talking about how she used to be the manager of some bank somewhere in Chicago but it was too stressful so she became a flight attendant instead and loves it.

Would that be a rewarding job, and do I really want to do it? I have no fucking clue. All I know is that I think it's my responsibility as a Christian to not care about money at all, so that's what I'm trying to do. There's such a fine line between being comfortable, and living an OK lifestyle, and being rich and being greedy with your money.

I hate this shit. I hate it all. I can't figure out anything. People say "you're 19, you're not supposed to have anything figured out" but that really ticks me off because, yeah -- okay, fine, whatever -- maybe that is true but I need to know where I go to school? Hello! God, I dunno. Maybe I'll never have anything figured out. I think it'd be cool to be a writer like Alice Walker or Maya Angelou or Toni Morrison, since they're powerful black women, like myself. But I'm not that good of a writer -- at all. So that dream quickly flys out the window.

I hate this.