I let myself

become addicted to things too easily

I pick up bad habits too quickly
I have a problem quitting anything I know I should

I think my subconscious mind likes it
I think my subconscious mind
Thinks it makes me more interesting

Maybe it's not subconscious at all

I know when I take things too far
I know when I should stop

But a part of me won't let me
A part of me
Likes going down the wrong path

Likes doing things
I know I shouldn't

Likes skipping class
And sleeping through life
And listening to the same song
40-60 times in a row

Or watching the same episode of Glee
Countless times

Why do I think that's okay?

I become obsessed with things
So quickly
I see something I like
And I obsess over it
I think about it all the time
Until I get sick of it

Like a Glee song I never want to hear again
I've listened to it too many times
I've watched the episode the song is in
Too many times

Where it's not even enjoyable anymore

I think I want someone else's life
Not that mine is that bad

But I just see a TV show
And love some character's life
So much
I just want to be them

Or I want to be the actor
So I read everything I can about that person
And I fall in love
With someone I don't know
Or probably have anything in common with

It's sick really

It's a disgusting habit
Maybe that's a personality trait
Rather than a habit

I'm going to try to go
This whole week
Without doing something retarded
My roommate thinks its a great idea
He said "Yeah, definitely
Let's go to all of our classes this week"

But I know
Neither of us will last

I'll be in the bathroom
Something will remind me of it
Or I'll see something

And I'll call my roommate
And he'll come over
And we'll break our week
Of not being retarded

I don't have any temporary goals for myself
I don't have anything I've set for myself

I just realized
This is a horribly depressing blog post
That I don't really want anyone to read
But it needs to be public
Someone needs to know
I've starting doing nothing with my life

I told someone yesterday
About you
And she kind of freaked out
She hit me
And asked me how stupid am I

I was a little taken aback
"Is that weird?" I asked
And she said
"Ummm... yeah
If someone only calls you
From pay phones
I think that's a sign
That it's not okay"

I tried to defend you
I tried to think of the last excuse you told me
So I could say it to her
And she what she would say

We stopped making sense after that
She had a few glasses of wine
I had a few of something else
We did the most retarded things ever

She drove a car
And I'm not sure which one of us thought that was
Acceptable
At all

But she did

I didn't stop eating
Junk food

I haven't eaten a real meal
A full meal
The amount of food
A 19 year old should in a day
In probably
20 days or so

I eat ice cream
And soda
And candy
Everyday

Why the fuck
Did that become my diet?

I need to get out
Before I sink in
I need to stop
Before I can't anymore

I need to go home
Get my life together
Do something
Meet someone
Get a job
Make normal friends

Eat everyday
Quit watching Glee

I've never thought of that
What the fuck would I do without Glee?
I base every week off of it

I stay up until 3am on Tuesdays
Waiting for someone to put it online

And then I watch it
Everyday
Or listen to the songs on that episode
Dozens of times
What
The
Fuck

I can't even think about it
That seriously makes me depressed

Something needs to change
I'll let you know what it is
Once I figure it out
........................